30 year old male, divorced last year after 9 years. Got dumped because I drink too much apparently. She was supposed to move back to her home country but ended up staying in this city.
I’m a member of the music scene and so is she so all my friends are her friends. So naturally because I’m not the pretty one, she gets all sympathy and I’m now a lonely motherfucker rejected by a lot of people I once called friends.
She hooked up with a dude who is an actual drug addict and last night. While trying to watch the band, they’re making out like 5ft behind me. I shouldnt care because these people are quite literally losers compared to me but I guess I’m jealous someone cares about her and nobody cares about me.
When I went home last night alone I actually thought about ending things. I don’t really know what to do going forwards. Do I just end my hobby of music because I can’t deal with my jealousy? Every gig she is there and she’s got a line of guys wanting to be with her while I’m left to rot alone.
Should I sell my house and quit my job and move? That’s what I was up all night pondering. I feel as if this place is too small for the both of us, and she won.
So naturally because I’m not the pretty one, she gets all sympathy and I’m now a lonely motherfucker rejected by a lot of people I once called friends.
From your description, it sounds like she sucks. But based on this, I’d say that either your friends also suck, or you suck, or everyone involved sucks.
Good friends don’t just stick with one side of a breakup because they are more attractive. Even if it’s a nasty breakup, good friends will be there for you just as much as they are there for her.
At the same time, I had a friend go through a breakup. I had met his now-ex, and was the reason they met. When they broke up, I and basically all his other friends cut ties, and hung out with his ex. Why? Because before he’d got together with her, I was already considering cutting ties because he was pissing everyone off, constantly being inconsiderate, and refused to take responsibility for his own problems. The only reason he kept all those friends through his relationship was because he was in that relationship - it felt sudden to him, but everyone had been wanting to cut contact with him for about a year before it happened.
Either way, the reason this sucks so much is because you failed to cultivate strong friendships with good people. Imagine another scenario: she breaks up with you, and you have a close circle of friends who support you through the initial period. Due to your status, notoriety, and relationships in the music scene, suddenly lots of women come out of the woodwork who were always interested in you, but knew you were in a relationship. You go out to a gig, and see she’s making out with some douchebag, but you don’t feel so beat up, because you are there with your friends with a new girl on your shoulder.
And ask yourself: what could I have done to make that happen? Your feelings of resentment have less to do with her, and more to do with your needs not being met in this difficult time. So what you should do now should be to find a way to ensure your needs are met in the future. That might mean improving yourself (asking yourself if you do have an alcohol problem), making new friends, picking up a new hobby for a while, reaching out to old friends to ask for help or advice, or yeah, maybe even moving to a new city! But know: until you can see her hanging out with your old “friends” and making out with another guy and feel okay, you still haven’t overcome your issue.
I think you might have nailed it that I am in fact the one who sucks. That would actually add up perfectly since it’s such a convenient time to cut contact.
I don’t have any good friends probably because I dedicated all my energy to my wife and career and I never really made a point to go make my own friends. Oops.
Re: moving I am pondering taking a mental health leave from work and house swapping someone in Iceland. I kind of forgot as a homeowner I have some serious leverage compared to when I was renting and I’m not actually as stuck as I initially worried
I don’t have any good friends probably because I dedicated all my energy to my wife and career and I never really made a point to go make my own friends. Oops.
Classic.
Re: moving I am pondering taking a mental health leave from work and house swapping someone in Iceland. I kind of forgot as a homeowner I have some serious leverage compared to when I was renting and I’m not actually as stuck as I initially worried
Do it. It sounds like you need some kind of change of pace, and to get out of your own head.
The good thing to remember is that, if the reason you are feeling this way is because “you suck” (aka, you are a flawed human being, as we all are), then you can make your life better by sucking less - by building a happy, secure, passionate life that you want to be living.
When you want to get into dating again, I recommend picking up the book Models by Mark Manson
Honestly I’d always advise not living in a small town, but even cities have small scenes if you are a musician or music lover, you might not avoid the same problem.
Remember that alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, if you are drinking too much don’t trust your sadness, it’s being amplified by the booze.
Nah living in a big city is fucking horrible. I would go insane.
Yeah working on the booze. Cutting back hasn’t really been noticeably better, I’ll probably just quit then even though it’s something I really enjoy.
Mid sized city is my preference. I like having restaurants, concerts, walking to work, small town I find insular, too cliquish.
But working on yourself makes the most sense, for sure. You’d have to do that wherever you go.
I do wish you the best.
OK yeah when I think small city I’m thinking like 25000 or less. That would be perfect.
My city is about 200k and it’s actually bigger than I like despite what I complained about in the OP haha
Breakups aren’t easy.
Practice introspection and empathy. Personally I have gone from feeling like a victim with a
bitch<(old me) ex to an emotionally intelligent person with a deeply flawed ex, and I am/was deeply flawed too.Therapy helps a lot.
I went through something pretty similar a decade ago: small town native, met someone that wasn’t local, marriage ends, and now every single corner has rough memories. I ended up moving to LA, which is about as polar opposite as you can get from my hometown, just to get away.
My dog really dragged my ass through the dark times. Having a buddy that needs you and loves you unconditionally doesn’t hurt. I don’t have any advice beyond take it a day at a time. It’s fucked now, but each day is a step towards healing and recovery.
- You’re not over her, at least not 100% which is normal. Just because you don’t want her back doesn’t mean the situation you discribed wouldn’t bother you. You don’t have to act tough for us, where all literally anonymous strangers that will never meet lol
- Work on your health, you’ll feel better. Drink some water, stop drinking alcohol for a few month, start exercising, get some sleep. Do it for yourself, you owe it to future you.
- Just avoid her for now, get some new hobbies. The whole music thing will still be there when you decide to get back to it down the line.
- If you think it’s necessary to move to a new city for your mental health or will help in some way. Yeah, maybe. If you like your job and like where you live then stay.
Soundest of advice
Thanks for the words man. Interesting you point out I’m acting tough - I thought I was being quite vulnerable haha
I wanna reiterate some points from the person you’re replying to, especially around the alcohol. It’s a really sneaky habit that will have you saying “I don’t drink that much!” As your alcohol consumption slowly exceeds the norm before pushing beyond right into extreme territory. Cut out alcohol for a while and take a mental note of every time you would’ve been drinking and maybe you’ll find that even if you aren’t an alcoholic by definition, you might be far closer than you’d like to be.
On top of that, drinking just isn’t good for bad mental health episodes in the first place.
Side note: I agree you’re not over the relationship, even if you are over her. Therapy is numero uno for this one.
Get therapy.
You’re conceding the win. An ex leaving you for you drinking only to hook up with a drug addict is to be laughed at I reckon. My ex didn’t like that I smoked a little pot, she left me for a guy who likes smoking a bit of cock. Not that there’s anything wrong with bisexuality but monogamy was something she claimed to value in the relationship.
Accept that’s she’s your ex. You had some good time and they’re now over. You shouldn’t have to upend your life over this.
Yeah I should be laughing but I don’t know why I’m not. It feels like a sick prank to leave me for alleged addiction only to hook up with an actual addict. I’m not stupid but I feel stupid that this is actually bothering me because she’s the actual degen here.
Hey man, getting left is hard. The single time in my life I considered killing myself was after my first long term girlfriend left me, thankfully I didn’t. It took a while but eventually I healed and was able to move on, due to an odd personal situation I won’t get into here I would still see her fairly often after she left me, not the same as a small town but I can sympathize. It was really quite hard for me.
I’ve now been with my current partner for 7 years and I couldn’t be happier, it’s a better relationship than I had with the girl I considered offing myself over. I still see my old girlfriend atleast once a year, again due to the odd personal thing and we’re both happy with new partners and we can talk and be casual with each other when we do interact, and I wish nothing but the best to her and her husband
TLDR, this sucks and will hurt a lot for a while but as annoying and cliché as it is to say, it really will get better. Stay strong brother, don’t unplug yourself
Smoking a bit of cock? Me thinks there’s a typo. Though, I’m not in the drug scene so maybe I’m wrong.
Sounds like they’re just calling the person a serial cheater
30 year old male, divorced last year after 9 years. Got dumped because I drink too much apparently.
30 - 9 = 21 which is the MLDA in the US (presumably you’re American?). You say elsewhere her father had issues with alcohol.
Break ups are never about just one thing but there’s usually a catalyst. Whether you drink too much or not is really your business but it sounds like you too realized you shouldn’t be together. I might be way off base but I’m thinking age and time are a big factor here, maybe some growing apart.
Even if only one of you was certain you wanted to divorce when the relationship is done for one it’s done for all. You need to figure out how to work through and process the end of your relationship. It sounds like you haven’t done that, instead expecting things to go on pretty much the same for you, except just without your ex. That’s not how it works.
If you can’t untangle the ‘us’ and find your way back to ‘you’ in the same town then space might help but if you don’t actually work through and process the end of your relationship moving won’t help. You’ll just be lonely and miserable in a new and unfamiliar place.
Have you stopped drinking too much? Were you actually drinking too much or just more than your wife considered as norm?
If there is no problem with alcohol, then just continue to do what you do: eventually all will settle down, you’ll find new friends.
Just another social drama. You’re not first and not last swimming in that shit.
You’ll manage.
Her dad was a violent drunk so any time I was drinking at all it would trigger her. I don’t believe I had a problem with alcohol, she did, lol.
