cross-posted from: https://reddthat.com/post/24388390
Hi everyone,
I’m reaching out to ask for advice and insights on how you manage emotional dysregulation. Lately, I’ve been finding it challenging to handle intense emotions, especially when they seem to come out of nowhere or are triggered by small things.
I know this is something that many people in the AuDHD community experience, so I’d love to hear about any strategies, tools, or practices that have worked for you. Whether it’s specific techniques, coping mechanisms, or lifestyle changes, I’m open to anything that might help.
Thank you in advance for your support and for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate hearing from others who understand what this is like.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
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I just woke up but I’ll have a response for you when I can.
Take your time, I completely understand this. Thanks in advance.
Apologies for the late response, I had a day.
For some context, some time ago I ended my first long-term relationship and the following months I was highly reactive, erratic, impulsive, and perpetual filled with anger. These bouts of rage seemingly came out of nowhere and got to the point where I didn’t feel safe driving or socialising. After three or so months I decided to see a therapist - where a few months, they suggested I may be on the spectrum after discussing my patterns and troubles.
One of the most important takeaways I got was:
- All emotions are valid. Emotions are simply messengers (think like phone notifications) that are signalling something of “interest”. If you keep ignoring it without addressing the cause (i.e. swiping away the notification instead of dealing with the content/application), that emotion/notification will keep popping off especially if it’s caused by something important/difficult. It’ll pop up in different ways, in inappropriate contexts, and with different intensities until it explodes - saying “I need to be addressed”. For me, I exploded into a rage over an old basketball my auntie was intent on keeping.
Everyone will react to different situations with different emotional responses. You can’t control a reaction, especially an emotional one. It’s the following behaviour that is under your control and should be questioned. E.g. It’s perfectly valid for me to feel “anger” at perceived impractical behaviour but belittling them in response is probably not the best action.
Others tid bits I partially remember and be happy to expand on:
- Window of Tolerance. What are signs of you being in hypoarousal and hyperarousal? You are at your most effective as a person when you are in between, within the window.
- Understand whats stimuli or activities calm you down. Taste, smell, sounds. Listening and paying attention to what you like and writing it down can be fun because you can kinda rediscover yourself by the stuff you take for granted (e.g. I like the smell of petrichor and that calms me down)
- S.T.O.P
1.Stop, pause, and don’t react 2.Take a step back, walkway, and take a deep breath 3. Observe, notice your surroundings and how you feel 4. Proceed mindfully
- Use the Mammalian Diving Reflex. This is a catch-all calming method since most if not all individuals have.
There’s so much one could talk about (mindfulness exercises, understanding what you can control such as moving away from an environment or adjusting the environment to your needs, being able to say no and draw boundaries) that a therapist can cater to your need that’s it might be worth an investment in to get a solid foundation and guidance if it’s available.
Again, sorry for the late message but I’m happy to expand on each of these that seem applicable, especially when I’m in front of a PC rather than my phone. Here for you friend ✌️
Thank you. This is important, but I need to process it.
My situation is a little different, but it’s similar to the end of a long-term relationship, and I went through nearly all of what you’ve described. A few months have passed, and I feel like I’m nearing the end of whatever this is. I also reacted strongly to something insignificant, like a basketball, before I realized I needed to address it. If it’s not too personal, could you give an example of what you mean by signs of being in hypoarousal and hyperarousal? I’ve noticed situations where I’ll freeze up if I feel judged, and I’ve also caught myself stimming (rocking side to side in my chair when I’m overstimulated or stressed). I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet, but I no longer have any doubts that I’m on the spectrum.
Don’t apologize, I do the exact same thing, and I knew you didn’t want to reply unless it was high-quality. What you posted was perfect. Thank you.
Thanks for understanding, it’s a lot to deal with and it’s great your reaching out.
- Hyperarousal refers to symptoms that signal that you’re overstimulated (fight-and-flight response, anxiety, reactive emotions, agression, defensiveness). Hypoarousal are symptoms that signal that you’re being understimulated (think disassociations, withdown, fatigue, intrusive thoughts.) Being able to target the zone between these states (the window of tolerance) where you are aware of the present moment, able to regulate emotions, and feel secure lets you regulate the thoughts and emotions.
Understanding what over and understimulates helps identify triggers, especially since emotions can be quite intense. There’s a few ways to regulate and it’s all about finding what works for you.
- The strategy I leaned into was breaking down my mental processes into “Thoughts, Feelings, Behavior” so for example Thoughts: Literally no one would use this basketball. She’s holding onto it like everything else like a hoarder. Feelings: Anger, Frustration, Disappointment Behaviour (Things I want to do or did do): Loudly stomping, throwing things. This let’s me analyse it and evaluate whether this is rational, valid, reasonable etc as well as stop my thought process and try to improve such as not making presumptions or talking with her.
If you can find it, the stuff my therapist and I referenced are in a book called The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills by Sonny Jane Wise (2022), specifically Section 3 and Section 5. Hopefully a pdf is available somewhere but I don’t have time tonight sadly.
A pdf is available on libgen ^^
I actually found that book and managed to download a copy. I’ll start reading it tomorrow.
I’ve definitely noticed times when I’ve been in each of these states. I’ll give breaking things down into “Thoughts, Feelings, Behavior” a try too.
Thanks again for all the advice and information, it’s been really helpful!
Generally, I stay alone. I do things like pace, clean, talk to myself, journal, or listen to music at 100% volume. For journaling, I write things down as if I wanted to collect my thoughts to explain them to someone else. I think it works because we’re bottom-up processors, so journaling forces us to see the whole thing as one. Another similar skills is to make a flowchart of why you think you feel that way, such as event -> physical sensations -> thoughts -> emotions. Exercise also helps a lot. Lately, I’ve been trying artistic and mindful avenues, such as dancing, art (ie drawing and painting), playing music, writing poetry/lyrics, and working on a puzzle. They all seem to help pretty well. The energetic tools help at getting all that pent up energy out so my skin doesn’t feel like it’s burning or that I’m going to explode. The music, talking, and journaling help me process what is driving the emotional dysregulation. The art, music, and puzzle help me reset/ground myself, and at the end, I have something I created to show for it, so Im happy with myself. Im gonna put those in a list at the bottom for ease 😉👍
The hardest part is starting one of those or moving on to another if the first one doesn’t work. Once I get engaged in one that feels good though, I’m stuck and things improve.
Things I do list
Energetic
- Dancing
- Pacing
- Exercise
- Cleaning
- Music really loud
- Can mix these like music and cleaning or talking and pacing
/
Art
- Drawing
- Painting
- Playing music
- Poetry/lyrics
/
Mindful
- Puzzle
- Journaling
- Talking to myself
- Flowchart
Thanks, I use most of these techniques too. The bottom-up process you mentioned for writing is really helpful for a lot of things. I used to write documentation for work, and writing things down as if I were explaining them to someone else, like you suggested, is a great way to see things as a whole. I’ve started using a journal in the same way, just collecting my thoughts and trying to put them all together. Exercise has been a game changer. I’ve started running in the mornings and evenings, as well as lifting weights. I hate to admit it, but the exercise people were right lol
Can I ask what the triggers are? I’ve always struggled with this but about two years ago I had a big stroke that made things a lot worse. I’ve been taking a systematic kind of approach to making a system to counteract triggers that I might encounter. Maybe if I know the things that are getting to you or causing the emotions you’re struggling with I can help! DMs are also open
I’m still learning about what they are, and I also have ADHD, which complicates things. I usually don’t pay attention to how I’m feeling, and until recently, I used to just react without really thinking. I was reading about ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and I can see that this is definitely contributing to my situation. It’s more about judgments and exclusions, and less about rejection and criticism. I don’t mind being made fun of; I just want to be accepted.
Are there specific people you find end up being the recipients of your frustration? I did a lot of lashing out on undeserved people and I can talk about that if that’s helpful!
No, not really. I’m somewhat of a recluse. There have been specific people at work who have been on the receiving end, but unless I was unmuted or something, they would never know about it.
I feel things a little too strongly sometimes, but I’ve found something that helps. Another commenter shared this with me. I still don’t understand all of it, but I think the part about ignoring emotions is related to my issue.
I’ve started keeping a journal, and whenever I feel overwhelmed, I write down whatever I’m feeling. If I remember, I also try to practice mindfulness. It’s only been two days, but I’ve used the journal at least a dozen times, and I can practice mindfulness anytime.
It actually works. I’ve been silent all day almost.
That’s a great idea! I’m glad that’s working for you :)
