Hey lemmos, and lemmettes. Just got off jury duty for a 3 day civil trial. First time juror, had a BLAST despite my expectations, really enjoyable to see a functioning justice system in person, and I also met cute gal also early 20s who was on the jury.
Now some context, I have not had a date since my ex cheated back around the begining of COVID so ive basically lost any sembelece of self-confidence when it comes to flirting. I’m confident in myself as a person, I’m pretty rad if I’m not being modest, but when it comes to chatting up the ladies, I mentally only can visualize rejection.
Now I was planning on asking her out for dinner or drinks this weekend following the case, but on the way out she was caught behind walking and talking with some other peeps. I got caught up in my anxious brain and just ended up bailing. Sent a FB messenger pm on the metra ride home but the profile is inactive so I think I missed my chance at a genuine connection.
Why is my monke brain like this. Why cant I let myself be happy. **All I want is to give somebody the love I can no longer seem to give myself. **
UPDATE: Connected over linkedin and gave it a shot. In a relationship :( . Still, glad that I tried, and thank you to all the commenters who helped settle my anxiety.
Practice. The more you do the things that frighten you, the easier they become. It’s like applying for jobs. You can learn from rejections, too, and not be hurt by them as much.
Fair point, I haven’t exactly made many 'real world’s attempts. Mostly just online dating matches that either don’t give the time of day, or don’t ever develop enough to physically meeting. Not really training any actual personal skills there I guess.
What’s so bad about rejection?
It make the chemicals in my brain and central nervous system go brrrrrrr.
Hmmm. Yes, of course. But what if you decided brrrrr can’t really hurt you and you will make it through brrrrr and come out the other side stronger and regulated?
Thanks, I’m cured
That’s crazy. But imagine if some insane person went through like 3 or 4 brrrrrs and was like…immune to brrrrrs after that. That would be so cool, it’d probably feel like some kind of superpower.
My experiences weren’t dissimilar and I suggest getting a good psychologist if you can afford one. Other than that, confidence (for me) is literally just “fake it till you make it.” Sure rejection sucks - badly - but if you can just be direct and honest, and laugh at your own mistakes, you’ll probably have an easier time. Good luck dude.
I have a similar problem to you. I’m definitely not afraid of talking to others, but my brain is hardwired against being good at it. Whenever I strike a conversation, it lasts maybe three lines because I’m always struggling to decide what exactly is best to say, and then by the time I say it, the conversation ends.
That said, we women are all different and so flirting is going to work differently for everyone. I’m just open-minded, so when someone flirts with me, even if it’s something completely random or awkward, I’ll play along in my typical way (while hoping the other person doesn’t ask for anything passionate, for one thing I’m asexual and many friendships have died due to this). However, other women will have other things they’ll wish to judge and focus on. Ironic as it may seem for someone like me to say it due to my struggles, there are no “inherent cues” to go by. The only real rule of thumb is, the more legroom you have to be yourself in the short term, the less stressful it will be over time.
We need to develop a universally agreed upon, unmistakable gesture or signal to gauge interest in others. Like flashing a peace sign but with 3 fingers instead so you can indicate like “hey you cute, mind if I consensually put the moves on?”
Hey dude, all good dude.
I’m not sure how to go about handling the situation, seems like you’ve thought about all the ways you ‘stuffed up’. But in my experience with rumination - a lot my triggers come from black and white thinking.
When I ruminate, a lot of what pops in my head are the times I stuffed up. Like times when I was humiliated, or times when I had missed amazing opportunities. And I beat myself up because the solution was seemingly, oh so simple.
Rumination isn’t a bad thing, it can be a visceral motivator, but for me the trouble was the deep well of horrible emotions that would arise after spiralling.
If you spiral for to long, your brain will only accept black and white solutions, since your brain is in panic mode and looking for an easy out. But, the tough thing you need to train your brain to do (Trust me it is difficuilt) is to instead catch yourself going down a thought spiral (the earlier the better) and try and think something less black and white.
E.g. You tried to message her, and plus she may not have the genuine connection you were hoping for. There will be a next time, times where it’s appropriate: to experiment socially.
You tried to message her afterwards - that’s a pretty big win in my opinion.
I have the help of CBT and antidepressants, so keep that in mind. And plus this advice may not be for you, I just hope you pull through and see it as a positive learning experience.
Stay rad
