I am 23 and I am currently in the dating scene. I’ve had no success and I’ve had the fourth person lose all interest in between setting up the date and the long wait between the date. It typically goes match on dating site, set up date, try to get to know each other over snap and then interest lost. I do tend to respond quickly but it’s not like I am constantly spamming or shit like that. I am just tired. It’s such a dumb minor thing but it seems to be destroying my chances. I am on the autism spectrum and I find texting and shit like that extremely stressful. I know no one is actually going to like past that. Divergence is punished must stick to strict social rules around dating fuck being my actual self I guess.
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I just tell people upfront that I’m not the person for them if they want someone who wants to talk constantly, especially via text. I don’t have the energy for it, especially with my current job being so social, and I know I need someone equally independent for there to be any chance of a relationship. Other people like that exist - my ex and I used to spend a ton of time in the same room, gaming or watching movies or whatever, and we’d only talk occasionally. We were content to be with each other but doing our own thing. We didn’t work out for other reasons, but that part was always good.
Anyway, I think it’s helpful to weed out people ahead of time. Not in a negative way, because a shitty attitude will ruin your chances with most people, but just in the way of, “this is my communication style, looking for someone compatible with that.”
This is why my wife and I work. She likes to read books daily while I play my games. We come together to watch movies and other things, or are just in the same room doing our thing.
Say upfront you have problems communicating. Try meeting with other Autistic people because they already understand your struggle.
I’m old (almost 40) so my advice may not be relevant.
Why is there a long gap between setting up a date and the date?
Why are they cancelling the date?
I generally match with someone, chat briefly to check for red flags and if they can message ok, then ask them out. Once the date is arranged I don’t keep texting. There’s too many ways to fuck up over text.
I’m autistic and so is my wife. We were friends first, then got talking as we both were dealing with shitty divorces. We’ve been together 13 years and our relationship just get better and better.
Don’t try to get dates using apps. They’re for a very specific set of attractive, charismatic, extroverted people. Not neurodiverse people. Some might have luck but nobody I know uses them.
Instead, in my subjective opinion, you should be joining social circles that contain the type of people you wish to date. Hobbies, clubs, sports, dog parks, volunteering, etc etc. All of which might be far outside your comfort zone and if so I apologize and I hope you don’t feel insulted. Basically you need to level up your social skills to attract prospective partners.
Of course, I met my wife online first, but it was on a forum, not a dating app. But I hope this helps in some way. Good luck!
EDIT: I didn’t date from age 17 to age 25 because I shut myself away. Only once I grew up a bit did I start getting interest from prospective partners.
Thanks for the help. Tbh I am probably not going to do any of that. I’ve been trying to live life for myself more rather than living it to impress some neurotypicals. Last year my girlfriend at the time cheated on me and I had a devastating mental breakdown after which I went to therapy. I eventually realised that I had been basing my entire self worth based on how much people liked me. This was proving detrimental to my mental health to the point where I has having episodes of dysphoria. Not like gender dysphoria but a general dysphoria about myself. We put so much pressure on neurodivirgent to change and adjust we forget just how mentally detrimental that can be. Putting pressure on myself to level up will just fuck with my mental health more. Besides, I am not a shut in. I love going out partying/drinking and I have a group of friends I go out with.
The idea isn’t to pretend to be something you’re not. Don’t do that.
The idea is that you do an activity you find interesting, that way you’re not wasting your time, and prospective partners get to know what you’re like from watching you or talking to you. From what I gather, a lot of the texting in modern dating, is because they don’t know what you’re actually like as a person. You might be a serial killer, 40 years older than your picture, or raving lunatic.
So for example, instead of using tinder, you go on a language course because that’s something you’ve always wanted to learn. You learn a language, someone in the course finds you attractive, they observe you interacting with others, you’re a bit different, but otherwise friendly and/or harmless. They talk to you during the course about something they’re not actually interested in, say homework. You get to interact a bit, without it being a date, and see if there’s chemistry. Perhaps one night you walk them to the bus or stay to clean up. Once again, not an actual date. Just getting to know if you’re relatively safe.
Worst case scenario, you learnt a language, did something you enjoyed. You didn’t waste too much time. With a bit of luck, you make a few friends/acquaintances and practice your social skills a bit. And if you’re lucky, there is chemistry, and you don’t need to do the weird post tinder match text convo. You already know each other a bit, they know you don’t like texting (or that you’re too busy) and you’re not trying to hide the fact you have a wife, so the first real date is far less awkward.
I would probably think about the things I enjoy doing by myself. Then, little by little, trying to add space for that someone to do that same thing with you. Then learning, what hobby/activity works OK, fine or even very well while socializing with someone and what doesn’t, and how much time you can actually give for someone before you get (close to) exhausting yourself. And forgetting to keep in touch through messages cos that’s not gonna work out for you but rather giving a call to that someone when you feel like meeting up, face to face.
Then it’s down to more experimenting, of what you can do, they can do, you together, how often, and if you guys become something bigger, then delve into that matter slowly. Talking is the key here, so both get chances to learn something out of yourself and the other.
I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go too far out of your comfort zone. I believe that little steps just out of that circle can train you and teach you something valuable, and going too far just gets you burned or broken down, needing lots of time to regain your energy. Choose your own pace, choose ways to try out new things and explain to that someone, how your brain works so they can decide, is it worth it to start with you. If it’s not, keep trying until someone thinks it is.
I can’t speak for the other person but it sounds like their advice is to go to places and do things where there are groups that’s related to interests of yours.
This way you encounter people who have similar interests and values as you.
Say, for example, your into disc golf or bowling. Then finding a group that does that in a team setting gives you one on one time with other people who like it. And you’re talking with them about common interests. And, after awhile, you find that it’s easier with one person who, presumably in this hypothetical, is available. So you ask them out on a date or to get coffee. Etc.
The idea isn’t to conform to expectations. It’s to put yourself in situations where natural alignments can happen towards making dates.
Cooking? Then cooking classes. Robotics? Maker spaces.
Reading? Book clubs to discuss novels.
Environmentalism? Volunteer park cleanup.
Just places where you’ll meet people who like the things you like and care about the things you like.
Yeah you got it exactly. I’m not explaining stuff well today. I think I used up all my brain at work.
Came across fine to me but text is hard on a good day
Honestly it sounds like you’re in a much better place than I was at 23! You’ve had therapy and you have a friend group. I think you’ll do ok.
Also, ugh ugh ugh on the pressure to change. I’m more than twice your age and got diagnosed this year. I spent decades thinking I was just broken and had to think and act the same as everyone else. I really wish I could tell myself, at your age, about what I’ve learned.
Hey! Ngl dating apps suck - they are engineered basically to keep people addicted to them, and single.
The best thing to do to find a real interesting person to date is to go do stuff you want to do. Join Meetup groups, school clubs, etc. Just have fun. Live your life. Don’t base your happiness on finding a romantic partner - that is looking for an external solution for an internal problem. It doesn’t work.
Eventually you will run into someone else interesting. Don’t have expectations, just express genuine interest in them. Ask questions. Let them talk. Be open and willing to be vulnerable.
Good luck dude!
The self pity in your last sentence is not going to help your dating chances.
Or anything else
I met my fiance on a dating site and what worked for me was after a short communication in the app quickly deciding to meet up or not, but not dragging it out. Where you can see each other without it having to be a texting event. And not even a real big day, just a quick in-person meet up to see if you’re compatible, on the since it’s hard to tell via text.
+1 to this
Me and my partner met on a dating app, quickly went to a date night (bloody hilarious and amazing company). The trick was not to juggle too many and if you ever get that feeling of “They are the one”, even if it’s 30 seconds to netting them, GO FOR IT!
I’m too far out of the dating pool to give to you much advice, but one thing I’ll say is don’t worry too much about the response time thing… that was a thing I worried about too, but the reality is if the person really likes you, they won’t mind, they’ll like hearing from you. Just don’t start hounding someone if THEY haven’t responded. If someone isn’t responding much that’s a sign they’re probably not as interested as you are, and you might need to let that one slip.
Good luck, it’s exhausting sometimes, but try to have fun with it and don’t give up!
I never had much luck with online dating, but I had much better luck meeting people in person doing social things.
Like what? Just curious.
Adult athletic leagues, Church groups, book clubs, bowling league
Diamond heist. (Loose group escape room)
I feel you bro and I’m not on the spectrum
Me neither haha
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Have you tired any autistic or neurodivergent social and dating apps?
There’s a neurodivergent social app?
I’ve seen some ads for one called Hiki. Not sure why I’m getting the ads. Probably some faulty targeting algorithm, I assume.
The algorithm knows all.
You’re right. It must’ve known CarlsIII was going to ask me about this.
Tell them you’re busy with work. You’re in meetings all the time and have to turn your phone off. When you get to know them better, you can explain in more detail.
Sorry for your struggles. Have you tried engaging in things you are more comfortable / passionate about? Face to face encounters over a game or band or hobby you love will provide a common interest to connect over. I hope this helps!
If your “actual self” is someone unable to communicate, then maybe you are simply not desirable.
There’s someone for everybody. Sometimes you need to look hard and long, sometimes it takes a chance to just walk on you by surprise. A good attitude and an open mind helps a lot in this stuff. It took maybe 200-400 different dating profiles for me to go through before I got lucky myself. Been happily with her for more than a year now.
