I’m conflicted. I have a parent who’s dying. I feel the void of the parenting I was supposed to receive. They never fulfilled any of the obligations I consider appropriate. I’m a parent, now. They did none of the things I’m doing for my kids.
On some level, I know the expectation is that I should feel sad. There’s literally no realistic expectation that they’ll turn a new leaf in their 70’s and suddenly become a decent human being. Maybe there’s a 1 in a million chance, but when they die, that’s definitively 0. I want them to turn a new leaf, but I know it’s unrealistic. I get jealous (and keep it to myself) when my friends and family have their parents in their lives.
On the other hand, they are literally the worst person in my life. I’ve never had anyone treat me as badly and fail me so hard as they have. I haven’t spoken to them in years. They literally don’t understand why, because they’re a narcissist. Very “missing, missing reasons” kind of person.
So I’m conflicted. I have tons of evidence that they suck, but there’s still a part of me that craves a parent actually being there. Part of me thinks I should feel bad when anyone suffers and passes away, but another part of me is borderline relieved.
OP: I sympathise and I can empathise with your situation. My advice would be to stay away and to move on with your life.
The problem is that whenever you discuss this sort of situation in public or with people who haven’t been there themselves you always feel the burden of proof is on you to show how terrible the parent is- a burden that is never defined nor met. There’s always some new person to say “oh but she’s your mother” which is frankly irrelevant- if your ex became your stalker for example, nobody would say equivalent things. It doesn’t matter that you’re the one standing there and not the parent, people want to put them on the pedestal, not you
IMO you should:
In my own case things that contributed towards finalising my position were:
Good luck