I’m conflicted. I have a parent who’s dying. I feel the void of the parenting I was supposed to receive. They never fulfilled any of the obligations I consider appropriate. I’m a parent, now. They did none of the things I’m doing for my kids.
On some level, I know the expectation is that I should feel sad. There’s literally no realistic expectation that they’ll turn a new leaf in their 70’s and suddenly become a decent human being. Maybe there’s a 1 in a million chance, but when they die, that’s definitively 0. I want them to turn a new leaf, but I know it’s unrealistic. I get jealous (and keep it to myself) when my friends and family have their parents in their lives.
On the other hand, they are literally the worst person in my life. I’ve never had anyone treat me as badly and fail me so hard as they have. I haven’t spoken to them in years. They literally don’t understand why, because they’re a narcissist. Very “missing, missing reasons” kind of person.
So I’m conflicted. I have tons of evidence that they suck, but there’s still a part of me that craves a parent actually being there. Part of me thinks I should feel bad when anyone suffers and passes away, but another part of me is borderline relieved.
Not a parent, didn’t have bad parents so take the below for what it’s worth.
All I can seriously offer you are my deepest sympathies for your situation. I really hope you find the answers you are searching for.
From an armchair philosophical standpoint, I don’t really feel like anyone should truly owe their parents anything. We didn’t ask to be brought into this world even though many people say life is a blessing. In the end, we all face death though and have to reconcile it in our own way. And if this person is truly one of the worst people in your life and mistreated you as a child then fuck em.
The best way I’ve seen it put:
Your parents didn’t give you the 'gift ’ of life, they gave themselves the gift of a baby.
Just because they are blood doesn’t mean you have to bleed for them.
Toxic people are a waste of your time and energy, both of which could be spent on the ones you truly love. I have my wife’s family that has filled the void from my own. You will find yours.
I had a parent who was terrible. It really sucked because out of my siblings I was the one who was really willing and able to deal with the end of life bullshit. She was mentally and emotionally abusive throughout my life. I did my best to be fair and make sure she was treated with dignity. I think any human being deserves that. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I loved her when she said it to me towards the end. I wasn’t angry towards her or anything. I just tried to deal with it without emotion. My brother did help handle a lot of interaction with her. I’m very thankful he was there with me.
I’ll be honest, I am glad she is gone. I stressed out over her and things she would do. I couldn’t have made the future choices I did if she was still around. Everyone in my family is better off and their lives are better because she is gone. I think feeling bad for their suffering means that you are human and have empathy. I think back still, at times, and feel for her. I think about the things in her life that made her the way that she was. It also fucked me up for a while after my child was born because it made me think of the better times with my mother when I was young. Still does sometimes. But she is gone now. It’s okay to mourn that person so you can move on. You are mourning the good things about the person, and maybe even the bad. To move on past the things that fuck with us, sometimes we have to forgive because it is what is best for ourselves. I at least know I will never have to endure the suffering she inflicted upon me through her abuse again. For that I am greatful.
Complex emotions are normal for complex situations. You can be sad and relieved at the same time, it’s normal and healthy. You can thus accept this complexity.
Oh wow, I’m literally in the same dilemma lately and don’t know who to talk to. Your case is exactly like mine, how strange.
My first born is now 5 month old and I love him so much, with all my heart and soul. It makes me realize how easy it is to love your child and how could my parents had treated me so badly.
I got out as soon as I turned 18 and they have no idea why would I do that. So they told everyone how I’m an ungrateful piece of shit that abandon them the first chance I got.
_My parents: Abuse me every day since I could remember.
_Me: GTFO as soon as I could
_My parents: surprised Pikachu face
Never forget the day I ran away, all I got is a bag of clothes and $176 that I secretly saved up because they would took it away if they knew.
When I was little, my mom would constantly remind me how a waste of money I was. How I owe them for every penny they spent on me and I better pay them back ASAP when I’m “able to work”.
They would beat me for every little thing, like this one time when my mom yelling out for me from downstairs “where is that piece of shit?” So I answered “Ya?”. I was 8 at the time.
Or the time she tell me she wishes that I would got hit by a car and die so she doesn’t have to waste any more money on me. I believe I was in 2nd grade at the time.
Or when she misplaced a $10 bill and accused me of stealing it so she beat the shit out of me and starve me for the entire day, then she found the money somewhere she misplaced so I could eat dinner that day.
My dad on the other hand, is not much of an “abusive” one. But he has never done anything to protect me either. He just doesn’t really care about me at all.
Growing up, I has never had any toys or videogames or games of any kind. All I got are the most necessities like cheap clothes and enough to eat. And the constant reminder of how I should be eternally grateful for that.
No one would believe me when I sad my mother is a bad person and I hated her. Their first reaction is always skeptical at best, or downright believe I’m a spoiled brat because “all mother are saint”.
You sound like the person in the video that was linked in another reply.
/u/TwigletSparkle@lemmy.blahaj.zone
I highly recommend this video, it’s by a therapist who went through a similar thing and he breaks it down very well:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zcRUj8H3rc4
You may be grieving two different things
One is the permanent loss of any possibility of receiving the parental love that every child deserves.
The second is the actual human being that was your parent.
Separate the two.
Grieving the first does not require you to grieve the second.
And remember that there are no "should"s in grief: we might grieve over something that has no logic behind it, and we might not grieve when someone else thinks we should.
Ignore all of that.
Focus on what your grief is telling you is important, and use any future opportunity for growth to grow in that direction.
It’s all that any of us can do.
One is the permanent loss of any possibility of receiving the parental love that every child deserves.
The second is the actual human being that was your parent.I think it’s the former. I grieved the parental relationship several years ago when I realized it would never change.
Why do you think you should feel bad for them passing? Is it because they were responsible for your birth, because a life will cease to exist? There may be different reason why you think you should feel sad, but they only matter if it’s something that matters to you specifically.
The relief you feel for them about to die is genuine and given your description, nobody could blame you for having those feelings either.
Most likely you’re feeling a mix of both but feel more strongly about them passing than you feeling sad for someone dying. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Why do you think you should feel bad for them passing?
Because that’s what’s typical. People typically grieve the passing of their parents.
Because I’m hard wired that way. I want/love/crave family at a base level. I had kids because I love having a family. I’m a family person. I know, intellectually, that my parent is garbage, but I am emotional as well.
Going through that now. My dad treated my sister worse than me but was mentally abusive to both of us. He’s in a home now with moderate dementia. She’s pretty much cut him off and only sees him during family dinners once a month.
It’s fallen to me to interact with him. I usually take him out to lunch once a week and buy him some soda, snacks, etc. It’s stressful has fuck though.
Whatever you’re feeling, it’s all valid. Nothing is ever really black or white, and you don’t have to try and keep your emotions in clearly defined boxes. Just feel what you’re feeling, acceptance is key. Having conflicting emotions is a common and understandable thing.
For a more personal opinion: this idea that someone being related means you owe them something… well, frankly it’s asinine. We don’t choose our blood relatives, we get stuck with them. Some people win the family lottery, others get stuck with a bunch of assholes. Take the whole blood thing out of the equation, is what I’d say. Missing what you might have had is only human, but separate this from the people they actually were. I guess, ask yourself this: if you weren’t related to them, would you have chosen to have them in your life at all? Your real family is the one you choose. Some people just really aren’t worth your time, even if only because you have to protect your own mental health and happiness.
In your case, if I understand correctly, you’ve already decided not to have them in your life. Maybe it’s just that the finality of death makes you doubt your own choices in this? I’d say trust your instincts and the choices you made. We cannot control or change other people, only the way we respond to them.
Are you my in my family?
I’ve given it great thought… both of my parents were … bad; and are not doing well , I live far away from them and have pondered what I’m going to do.
Honestly as I’ve cut them out of my life, for me and mine, I could not care less about them. When they go, I’ll be fine. Yes I’m a cold jerk when it comes to them.
OP: I sympathise and I can empathise with your situation. My advice would be to stay away and to move on with your life.
The problem is that whenever you discuss this sort of situation in public or with people who haven’t been there themselves you always feel the burden of proof is on you to show how terrible the parent is- a burden that is never defined nor met. There’s always some new person to say “oh but she’s your mother” which is frankly irrelevant- if your ex became your stalker for example, nobody would say equivalent things. It doesn’t matter that you’re the one standing there and not the parent, people want to put them on the pedestal, not you
IMO you should:
- Accept and make peace that you explained yourself at the time on more than one occasion
- Accept and make peace that parent won’t change- the site you’ve linked explained how narcissists can’t ‘hear’ you
- Accept and make peace that you can’t continue to or return to dealing with them.
- Realise that you won’t be able to discuss with or get validation from most people, even those supposedly close to you
- Realise that this guilt/conflict is simply more narcissistic control/manipulation
In my own case things that contributed towards finalising my position were:
- Becoming a parent myself, so less time for other people’s rubbish and more awareness of ‘how should a parent deal with…’
- That in the final few years we were corresponding mainly by email and so there was a written record to reflect on that clearly demonstrated a repetitive pattern
Good luck
Feel however you want to feel, just don’t let a single motherfucker tell you how you should.
I was ‘stuck’ with a useless ass parent until he experienced a sudden death. I should have felt relief but the person I was dating at the time was insisting that I should be grieving. I actually had a pretty awful dinner a week after the funeral where I was being berated for not crying enough. The ex had unresolved daddy issues and was grieving vicariously through me.
Anyway, later on I was cleaning his car and found proof that he was cheating on my mom for years, then his poor financial decisions kept cropping up. That motherfucker haunted me a decade after his death with his various mistakes.
That’s just my experience, but in the end I ended up gretting the little bit of sympathy I did feel, and you know yourself and your parent best. If you dont feel they’re worth the feels, they probably arent.
I highly recommend this video, it’s by a therapist who went through a similar thing and he breaks it down very well:
Oh, wow. That’s amazing. My parent isn’t as bad in severity as his mother, but there are a loooooot of commonalities. Wow. It also made me think about my 2nd parent and how they didn’t stand up for me as much as they should have. Wow. I’m gonna chew on this and watch it again.
I’m glad you found it useful, I certainly did.
Most of his videos are of a similar vein, tackling different aspects of trauma and growing up with narcassists; I also recommend them if you have the time.
I think you can be sad and relieved at the same time. But i don’t think there is any reason to try to feel sad. I grew up to be jaded in a lot of ways and there are a lot of situations where as people we are expected to have an emotional response but I unabashedly own up to my lack of care and don’t even try to fake it in the slightest. I somehow think that disingenuous grieving is worse than no grieving at all. And don’t feel guilty for feeling relieved either, you suffered a lot with this person in your life, and you shouldn’t keep suffering after this person is gone. Reclaim that mental space for yourself and allow yourself to breathe.
My mom died a decade ago, and my dad about two years ago. Neither were great, and to a certain extent, their passing left a bit of relief that I was no longer responsible for them. However, with them gone, there is no longer a chance to fix those relationships. They are both dead and my relationship with them will forever have been shitty.
It is sad to think about those times when my dad would tell me he wanted to try to be a better parent, but I’m the end, he never followed through. I don’t look back and think about how he doesn’t have any more chances to fulfill those promises, I see it that he can no longer break that promise to me that he would try.
I know that my parents would not change, they would never take responsibility for how their choices hurt others, they would always continue with their selfish behaviors, and they would never be the parent that every child deserves. Some people can’t be fixed.
I understand your feeling of relief.
