I’ve been posting about my breakup for the past month and some of you already know bits and pieces of my story.
Basically i was in a long-distance relationship for a year. Initially everything felt beautiful. He made promises about our future talked about marriage and made me feel loved. But gradually, things started changing. There was a constant pattern of highs and lows, poor communication, arguments and emotional distance. I kept trying to fix things understand him and make the relationship work. Yk, I sensed something was wrong from the fourth month, but i kept hoping i could change him. His little efforts updates and attempts to change made me believe he genuinely loved me but the same cycle kept repeating: space, communication issues emotional distance repeated breakup threats… and me feeling like I was asking for too much.
after every fight, he’d shut down while i’d cry, and he’d just go to sleep. the next day, he’d come back normal nd i’d think everything was okay. after every breakup, i was always the one begging to fix things. in the end he said he couldn’t feel love every day and that i was too much for him.
Eventually i became anxious nd dependent on reassurance. I went from being a secure person to someone who constantly worried about losing him. I kept questioning myself wondering what i was doing wrong and trying harder to get the same love i was giving…I used to cry every day under the shower on the balcony nd sometimes at night in front of the mirror asking myself is this what love is supposed to feel like? Is this love really meant for me …Don’t i deserve the same love that i m giving him…
Then I discovered that he was emotionally cheating on me through a dating app. He had been talking to other women while telling me he loved me. When i confronted him he discarded me almost immediately nd dumped me without any closure…Eventually, he said we were incompatible that life isn’t a movie, and we should part ways, although he still had feelings for me. He even said i was welcome as a friend anytime. Ngl i fell for his words, nature and the care he showed initially.
After the breakup i started learning about avoidant attachment, and somehow that made things even harder. I began feeling sorry for him, wondering whether he was struggling internally whether he had unresolved issues or whetheri could have helped him overcome his pain if i had understood all this earlier.
Today marks 64 days of no contact. Yet i still have this overwhelming urge to break it, go back to him and help him again. A part of me knows how badly he hurt me and that going back wouldn’t change his choices. But another part of me still feels responsible for him.
I cry for him almost every day. Sometimes i feel completely useless as if i have lost myself in the process of loving someone. I keep thinking, what if I had watched these videos earlier? What if i had understood avoidant attachment sooner? Could I have helped him? Could things have turned out differently?
I know he cheated i know he discarded me nd i know i deserve better. But knowing all of that hasn’t magically made me stop loving him.
I genuinely want to move on, but i m struggling badly. I don’t know how to stop feeling sorry for someone who hurt me so much. I just want to get my old self back…
Now i wanna break no contact…advice needed…The thought of him being with another girl hurts my heart so much. I don’t understand why i m still struggling to move on when he seems to have moved on so easily. Why am i unable to let go of someone who could let go of me…
While it’s good you have found those videos to learn about avoidant attachment and were able to frame the issue, you should focus on why you needed them in order to protect yourself
From your story, it seems to me that you easily think you are the problem, whenever you have an issue. But it takes two to tango, if you found yourselves in this situation is up to both of you, and it’s always like that.
You had a tendency to attach to something even if it’s hurting you, he has a tendency to not be clear about his feelings even if they are clearly not there. The two I’ll behaviours were compatible, so that’s why it lasted so long. Compatible doesn’t always mean good.
I think you should try to differentiate love to a situation that feeds to your insecurities. That means that until you have faced this, I would not suggest contacting again
Thank you for explaining this so patiently. i genuinely appreciate your perspective. but do you think this relationship could ever work, or would getting back together be a bad decision? somehow, a part of me knows i should stay away, but my heart still wants to break no contact and reach out to him. i’m really struggling between what i know is right for me and what i still feel for him.
Sorry let me quote you for a second:
He had been talking to other women while telling me he loved me. When i confronted him he discarded me almost immediately nd dumped me without any closure…
On the conscious level, I think you have no doubt. This person is not right for you, and even if people change with time (like, decades), you have this set of precedents with him that would make you both act weird with each others.
Then you write thing about you “heart” making you do thing. If we take it out of the romanticisation of saying some behaviours coming from “heart”, what is it specifically that make you think you need to go back?
What part of you needs that? Because my guess is that it’s your insecurities talking. Quoting you again:
feeling like I was asking for too much.
Who told you that? How is it that when you are suffering from bad feelings, you turn to guilt? That is a behavioural pattern that not only blinded you to what he was doing, but also keeps you attached to a bad actor in your life. My guess is that part of you need external reassurance about what you do and say, and if somebody you care about doesn’t agree with you, parts of you panic and create the hooking mechanism.
You r right. maybe the reason i still want to go back is simply that i want to feel loved and wanted again. I think i developed a lot of fears and insecurities throughout the relationship. Earlier, i was quite confident, i felt beautiful and never really questioned my worth. but slowly, during the relationship, i started developing body insecurities, doubting myself and feeling like i wasn’t good enough. i began to think i was needy, that i was asking for too much and that maybe he was right about me being too much to handle.
some days i feel really alone, like i’ve lost the happiness i once had. slowly, i started seeing myself through the way he seemed to perceive me rather than how i used to see myself. maybe a part of me still wants him to choose me again because i want to feel worthy and loved like i did before. i guess i need to work on rebuilding the confidence and self-esteem i lost along the way.
even in my diary at that time, i’ve written that i’m crying and idk why, but he’s sometimes hot and cold. i wanna break up, but i just can’t leave. i feel suffocated. initially, i was like he’s just a nice guy, but later, because of his habits and behaviour towards me, he became someone special, handsome and all. and slowly, i started feeling like i was somehow lower than him, like he was better than me and i wasn’t good enough for him.
even though i was the one putting in more effort and trying so hard to make things work, i was still the one settling for breadcrumbs.
Thank you, you’ve helped me realise why i keep wanting to go back to the same toxic cycle. I think it’s my insecurities and need for love and validation.
that’s why i never left, even when i knew i was suffocating.
about being needy he told me i ask for too much and he can’t put in that much effort for me.
even though i was only asking for time, connection and proper communication. after every fight, he would shut down emotionally, leaving me to deal with everything alone.
Glad I could help, I hope you can find your peace soon