There’s just no chance of having a decent life. I just don’t have the things others take for granted. I have been trying to “self-improve” since 16 years old, with Khan Academy, and I got the badges for being a good listener, yet could never get past a simple word problem. All the things I could do, and classic word problem was where I got stopped.

Since early childhood, I could feel that something was wrong with me, different about me. I had a dream where I was kneeling infront of a floating cross, overwhelmed with guilt, and I just felt something was missing from me, and I didn’t know why. I am not a cristian anymore by the way.

I could always see very far away, and I was more worried about the future than the present. I spent my childhood just staring at walls, crying, and thinking about things. I decided at some point that emotions were selfish, and I wanted to be like a robot, and just work towards whatever was right, but ended up feeling unmotivated and apathetic instead.

I always had an incredibly hard time with people, and physical cordination. So I doubled down on trying to become an indie developer, seeing it as the most viable path to earning an income. I had the plan to earn enough passive income from the games to be able to sit back, and work on other things.

My brother sees me using my PC, and becomes increasingly aggressive to get his turn on it. He spits at me, kicks me, pulls the power cable. Eventually, he does not let me even get close, and just claims it for himself. If I do anything about it, my parents get angry at me.

I already had a really hard time memorizing anything, now I’m stuck on my phone, and I naturaly regress to playing videogames after countless failures. I try a few more insane things, like I tried to make a WolfStrap by trying to carve a board, with a knife, out of a log. I was trying to build the frame, thinking I will figure the rest out somehow later. I get caught, put down and yelled at.

I had several awful online interactions that permanently damaged my confidence and how I view myself. I stopped being hotheaded, became like a lobotomized person that would never swear, I was really bland. And even if people didn’t like my formal speech patterns, they liked me back then. When I loosened up a bit again, they liked it at first, but I quit my friend group since they became sigmapilled, and I was no longer in the sigma-mindset, I was ultra-left at that point.

We really needed more income, and I felt really guilty for burdening my family, I never asked for anything, even when I needed it. I finally found a government program for people who have difficulty getting employeed, I applied to 10 places, including a welding job (thinking with my issues, that the fumes would kill me fast), as if I can’t even find a decent job, I might as well die being useful for my famipy. So I got a terrible 7-16 six days a week job, at age 27, breathing in fumes every day in order to not be a burden on my family. It was already a suicide attempt, I worked hard and gave it my all to learn.

I took on debt, to save my mother from a credit spiral, and the moment I refinanced her debt, I knew it would probably end only in my death, I don’t believe my father’s promise that I won’t be paying back the debt for 6 years. I don’t have enough for meds, or decent food already, ans I’m doing hard physical labor. I choke on fumes, cough and spit phlegm on the floor, and I’m mocked by co-workers for it, I’m told it’s in my head, that I made it a habbit, that I’m not really sick. I get yelled at for not being able to get something heavier than me, over my head. I literally can’t reach the whole thing, it’s just not physically possible for someone of my size to work in the same way.

I come home, thinking only of work, after all that pressure to perform, and yelling at work, I get to come back to serve my brother’s whims (He has Aspergers, and I myself have high ADHD symptoms, and get tested for ADHD soon. And he just gets violent at the slightest frustration, I get blamed if he tantrums, or gets violent). I often have to time bathroom visits, and undereat as I want to avoid using the kitchen, making me even weaker at work.

Now the worst part: I go online, depleted, and after seeing nothing inspirational whatsoever, and it is hit or miss, but mostly even if people are good to me, they just don’t seem to find me interesting, and I am just dry, boring, and default to basic questions about them.

I made a guy aggro just because I said “Hello, please don’t hate me” which caused him to say he was indiferemr to me until then, and say how I very carefuly write things to sound friendly, while being antagonistic. He wrote a bunch of nasty things, and used cold, formal speech to sound reasonable. I decided to just block him, as nothing I could say to that guy would be interpreted in a positive way.

I was permabanned from Reddit, was reviled in 2 MMO games, and I constantly offend people and eat bans. I have a framework I call posiwash that is very straining to use all the time, I contemplated just feeding responses to AI to have it answer instead.

I no longer speak in servers, I mostly just respond to my friends as I have to, I am deathly afraid of offending anyone, and I feel that society despises me, and has no place for people like me. Like, I only get worried responses, and support, when I am going to kill myself, because the work I do does benefit society, but I feel as a person, people don’t want to see or hear me. They get mad that I’m sick, hate all my opinions, get angry and go straight for the blocks, and bans.

If I go off-script at any moment, and show the human underneath, someone gets triggered. I see a lot of people in similar situations.

I did the math, and weighed my options. Transcription is the only way I could in theory leave my job and move away somewhere peaceful, but I would have to learn so much, and I get weighed down by the sheer time my job consumes, by all the demands and expectatioms once I’m home.

Just doing this job will end in death anyway, I get to rot alive, while being insulted, and exploited. If I quit one month, my debt catches up before I can find a job, or the next paycheck lands. It feels like no one wants to hear or see me, and I don’t know what I can even do to improve, or if there even is anything I can improve, at least without free time.

But I can’t get away from everyone either, the math does not check out. I have to get on the bus with people, attend birthdays, take insults from co-workers every day, as I get the hardest jobs in the company. I don’t even get basic dignity, with the bathroom being a broken outhouse, I have to carefuly hide in the corner to pee.

I can’t get away to live a peaceful life, people can’t stand me at all, and I have to get up undersleept and underfeed, with no time to process any of this. I just wonder when is it going to get worse? What’s going to happen next? Another chronic condition? Will I do something to land me in jail too?

I’m just waiting for my ADHD diagnosis, then when my father is healthy enough to work, I want to quit my job, live in freedom for a bit, and once my debt catches up, find the highest building to jump off. I don’t see the point of working 56 hours a week of hard labor, to worry about who I’m going to piss of next, knowing the world does not want me as a person at all, that my life is already ruined, and that I’m not safe anywhere.

They can have their perfect people, who have no disease, no flaws, aren’t born poor. I feel that this won’t ease up until most people are dead, and that I’m one of the defective ones, with a permanent mark on me. So that’s it for me.