I just wanted to talk about this a bit. Get it out of my brain and onto paper so to speak.
I’m away from home as I often am. Never with the same crew, though sometimes there are familiar faces. My career attracts the more “rugged” or close-minded types. I won’t say bigoted because that isn’t often true. Just… If it isn’t sports, drinking at bars or stereotypically “manly” it’s grounds for nitpicking. There’s also a meritocratic rank structure and matching uniforms. I’ll let you all deduce what that means on your own.
Anyway, we all made our introductions, talked about the work ahead and went our separate ways. I’ve had great experiences with tabletop gaming at various locations and stages in my career. I was introduced to D&D by a long time friend and regularly play with a group of people from work.
So… I figured I’d make the offer to the group in our text group. I told them if anyone was interested ever, that I brought a bunch of D&D stuff with me as well as some Warhammer 40K stuff and would love to play. We’re here for 8.5 months after all. Might as well play some games.
Immediately I’m met with rude comments by the most senior member of the group (who is not present) that he can’t wait to meet me to bully me for being a nerd. I joke that I’ll save him a spot at the table and another person chimes in that it’s going to be a pretty empty table.
Not many others chimed in. A few laughing emojis were shared and so on. Whatever.
I’m not completely disheartened but it’s certainly a kick in the nuts to make an offer for friendship or be open with people who are just as far away from home as you are and be met with that treatment.
I know in time as others get to know me more they’ll open up or want to join in. I’ve met more nerds and geeks in this line of work than I have outside of it.
I’m also telling myself they’re just afraid of things they don’t know. I won’t disparage their hobbies so I’ll praise my own:
A few times a month I get to sit around a table with some of my closest friends, family and sometimes new faces. I get to create a world with them where we can be free from the endless news cycle, algorithms shoving consumption in our faces and we can be happy together even for just a couple of hours.
Sometimes I sit down at a little desk that I built myself and glue little army men together while my wife sits and crochets next to me and we talk about how our days went. My dog nestled at my feet and cats watching me diligently.
I hunt, I fish, I play rugby, I work on my motorcycles, I powerlift and go shooting. But sometimes its nice to just sit down and enjoy the company of my friends free from social expectations, have a drink, smoke some pot and have a few laughs. I’ll be missing that for nearly a year.
I’m happy to enjoy the things I enjoy. I don’t need other people to validate my enjoyment but it would be nice to have people be kind about it so I don’t have to be made to feel so alone.
I think that’s the feeling I’m trying to get out in this post that’s getting so long now. It was such an isolating feeling. It didn’t have to be. But people who are uncomfortable with what they might see if they looked inside themselves for a moment projected those insecurities on me and isolated me for some cheap laughs. Over a decade in this line of work and I’ve never been met with such revilement. I’ve gamed with some tough and outwardly “scary” motherfuckers. I’ve never been bullied before. I’m in my 30s ffs.
Thanks for reading.
You sound like a really good dude. Emotionally mature. Don’t let the bastards keep you down.
I really appreciate that. I try hard and I’ve come a long way. I find it easier to apply these principles to others but I’m learning to respect myself as well.
I think this post was a little bit of self care in a sense. I think I suffer a lot from some sort of Rejection Sensitivity. So while I’m in tune to these feelings for others I struggle a lot with accepting rejection for myself.
Which is wild considering my line of work…
Nolite te bastardes carborundorum!
I’m also a nerd that works in a highly knuckle dragging uber masculine work environment. I keep my walls up pretty high and only really be myself around the few people I meet that pass the vibe check. So I get it man. There are a lot of callous dickheads out there. It’s harder to not be like them, but oh so worth it.
Strange how that kind of stuff works, eh?
I don’t think I’ve met a single person in this line of work that doesn’t have some sort of hyper fixation or special interest.
I know guys who can tell what type of mechanical malfunction a vehicle is having based on smell alone or that defuse bombs for a living then go home and keep a flower garden for their bees.
It’s usually a safe enough environment as long as you pass the vibe check for them. I probably wouldn’t get away with my three syllable words and chapter books if I didn’t look like I could do my job.
Sad it has to be that way though. The hyper vigilance for who’s “safe” or not is exhausting. But like you said. It’s worth it to be better than that.
Toxic masculinity harms men.
I’m in this picture and I don’t like it.
It’s not you, bro. That’s them.
Naw man, the picture should have another person shoving the stick into the wheel. Those guys sound like a bunch of ostriches.
… Wait that’s rude to the birds.
You’ve, for better or worse, discovered that you’re going to be working with deeply insecure people for the foreseeable future. Learning who your coworkers are as people has immense value, even if you aren’t getting the camaraderie and entertainment you were looking for.
Haha yeah… I’ve always known this.
When I first joined this line of work I was a deeply insecure teenager seeking approval and starved for purpose. I would have lashed out in the same way.
I can still be friendly with these people and the shitty attitudes will turn to playful ribbing into curiosity once they see I won’t be worn down for enjoying books and games.
It can be an interesting field sometimes. But you learn how to deal with people pretty quick. Especially at my level.
I can tell that you’re good people. I hope they come around sooner rather than later, but if they don’t, it’s entirely their loss.
No one man enough to go against the senior asshole and his lackey. Gonna be a rough go for a bit mate, sorry. Save those chat logs…
Oh God. This sounds almost made up it’s so backwards. What the fuck, sorry this shit happened to you, some people just love to be villainous. Now, if you don’t mind and because I need to know if my biases are still useful: are you American? Were the bullies mostly of Western European descent?
I wish it was made up.
I’m not going to lie and say this is like super traumatising. I’m a grown adult. Just sad to see like… A 50 year old man engage in petty bullying over hobbies.
Not American, no. Well, I guess North American. I’m Canadian.
I do agree it’s pretty backwards. Our job is pretty well founded in mutual respect, cooperation and recognising that our differences make us stronger. To see this behaviour promoted from someone who is supposed to lead by example is… Frustrating to say the least.
Hey mate. I get it. I never fit into remote work, although I never experience as confronting of an incident as you.
Frankly, I would never have had the balls to invite ‘the lads’ back to a D&D game. I thought social ostracism would have been the LEAST of my worries. And I was in my 30s too. So hat off to you. If you get to Toronto, I’ll buy you a beer.
I appreciate you sharing. It’s still something that gets my heart going a bit to tell the truth.
I’m used to being a contrarian or painting outside the lines. It’s the reason I ace all my performance assessments and get promoted ahead of peers. Big egos aren’t gonna stop me from being me.
I genuinely may be passing through Toronto on my way home in August. Might have to take you up.
Sorry you have to deal with that.
Tone is super hard to read in text, so in your shoes, I would keep an open mind that they might not have meant anything by it other than to get a laugh from busting my chops.
Since you have to deal with then for awhile, in your shoes, I might at least act like I didn’t think anything of it.
I would probably double down and lean into it a bit. (Relatively gently, because they do sound fragile.) I might give them some crap right back for having shit taste in games, kind of thing - again, probably only in person, and only after I get a sense of if they seem like they can take it.
It’s shitty. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice.
I appreciate the kind words.
Generally I don’t take these sorts of things at face value. The job comes with a lot of chirps and light teasing. Builds relationships and all.
I just generally don’t expect it to come from much higher positions than me. They should know better than to promote malicious behaviour.
Like you said, doubling down is sometimes the play. I certainly had my opportunity to do so this morning when we all got together as a group again and a few people approached me about being interested in playing or asked me about the hobby.
Annoying part was when I found out that this guy messaged another coworker and told them to “Sort me out.” Which is alarming. The rest of the crew didn’t seem so share the sentiment though and we all shared some laughs.
We laughed about it though and left it at “Well, I guess the boss really doesn’t like D&D lol”
Reading this my main thought is you sound a lot like Henry Cavil, keep letting the nerd cred shine. People can be dicks, you probably got unlucky with the first response being from the ass hat then everyone else not having the guts to say that sounds cool. It’s empowering to own your nerdary, anyone who has a problem with your hobbies isn’t someone you need to worry about the opinion of. Keep being awesome.
Fuck those people man, stop giving AF about what people think.
I agree but that’s easier said than done, at least for most people. I’ve made a lot of slow progress on not giving so many fucks about what other people think but I have a ways to go still.
Hey, you’re right. That’s why I’m choosing to remember what I love about these hobbies.
Some of them will come around and I know some people didn’t speak up out of fear of getting ganged up on too. That’s totally okay.
Like I said in my post; I’ve played with some people you would never expect to play TTRPGs. I’m talking “I could tell you where I was for the last year but I’d have to kill you” levels of scary and like… They’re just chill people.
This group will come around as well. I refuse to be beat down by meatheads when I am one myself.
Married old hen here… Decades ago, I used to play D&D so I know the joy of gaming… and recently discovered Warhammer via - of all things - videos of people painting up their figurines. (Man, there are some insanely fantastic artists doing some masterful paint-ups and dioramas!)
Am going to dig up some books on the lore and read a bit, just so I understand it.
I’m super disappointed that you got rebuffed when you asked about others joining you. That sucks to have something you want to share that will offer everyone a great pastime and it’s just dumped on out of hand.
WTF?
Yaah, people are idiots, but at least you know who you can approach about it and who to avoid from now on.
I’ve really been enjoying the lore of Warhammer lately and I have an insane recollection of the D&D 5e rules among some other rule sets.
My wife and I often fall asleep with some painting tutorials on in the background. There’s one artist on YouTube “Sorastro” who does some incredible work and his videos are so calm.
If you want some more pep in your step Louise Sugden from Rogue Hobbies has an amazingly cute art style and she does such vibrant brushwork. I just adore her work and her cheery disposition.
It’s people like that who remind me that games aren’t just for kids and that the world would be a miserable place if we all just read newspapers and stared at the walls.
I’m honestly just going to continue to unashamedly recruit anyone and everyone to play. I was too poor as a kid to play games like D&D, MTG, Pokemon and so on so I regrettably picked on some people for indulging. Now that I’m not an asshole I’d like to spread joy instead of malice.
I’ll look up those suggestions, thank you!
Some people are very close minded
During one assignment, I worked with a pretty interesting crew. Nearly everyone was really into booze, porn, fast cars and… well that’s about it. Most of them don’t really seem to have much going on in their lives. They’re rough, tough and they’ll get the job done, you know the type.
One of them wasn’t really close minded though. I told him about a local delicacy, and I described the taste as “a little bit weird”. He said that he’s into all sorts of weird stuff, and I have no doubt about that. He’s still an unsavory kind of guy, but at least he tries weird stuff when possible.
Anyway, telling a crew like this to join a D&D session might be a mixed bag. You should absolutely expect some bullying and childish behavior from some of them, but others might actually join anyway.
Bullies gonna bully. I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m happy you know who they are.
Thanks! It’s usually pretty easy to figure these people out.
Others will come around, feel excluded or not care either way.
You made me realize that referring to uniforms as “matching outfits” is a great way to mock this type of guy.
What a bunch of weirdos.
I think it was mostly just one really old, crusty weirdo with a macho ego and an “idea” of what we should look like and how we should act. Their authority and position turned some weaker minds to their side while most didn’t even acknowledge anything.
I strive to be better than that.
I’ve found that most of those dudes, are just posers…when push comes to shove they’re the first to fold like lawn chairs.
All the old guys from back in the day that weren’t total fuckin bricks, played a TON of games. They’re basically the groups that invented them. Afterall they didn’t have TV and video games. So they played an absolute shit ton of board games. So when you bump into one of the ones that didn’t…99% of the time it was because they where to fuckin stupid to know how to play, so they just acted like it was dumb.
Ha! Stole the words right out of my mouth. I try to take a diplomatic approach to these situations but yeah… Christ, some of these guys are dumb. I’m not the brightest crayon in the shed either but I can run circles around some of these losers.
Some if them are incredibly intelligent in their fields. Some of the most skilled. But my god it’s the only thing they know. Challenge them on anything outside their narrow understanding of the world and they resort to insults and vitriol. Sadly they gain strength in numbers. The more ignorant chuckle-fucks in a room the harder they beat their chests.
Can you reach out to non work mates in the area? Best revenge would be making a group of friends while away.
I love gaming, including jiu-jitsu, whenever bullied about dnd I offer bjj as an alternative. Shuts em right up.
Unfortunately I’m about 2400km away in a foreign country with a small group of my countrymen.
There are definitely outside alternatives. I’m still near a large city with several local shops. So I’ll just have to pivot or adjust.
I usually offer people to come lift weights with me and they usually shut up around the time the fourth plate goes on the squat rack. I know the sentiment.
They’ll come around. Ten years in this line of work and if I’ve learned anything it’s that people LOVE nerd shit. Even if they hide it.
I love dnd with foreigners, they’ve already got an accent to me.
Ah yes, Tolkien High Fantasy but the Elves sound like Larry the Cable guy. 😂
I played a discord game during covid with a yank, aussie, german and swiss at the table. Really added a different vibe than a bunch of Aussies like usual.
Oh that could be really fun. I always feel odd about adding in accents and such. Having a diverse table like that would be fun as a player.
Probably a nightmare as a DM though. “Oh shit… The German is going to say my accent doesn’t fit any regional dialect and that I’m just making vaguely german noises!”
That reminds me that at my mostly English speaking tables I like using the little polish I know for Fiendish or Abyssal. French is Elvish. A fellow player used his native Spanish for dwarvish and it slapped.
Diverse tables rule.
I just played an Indian themed character and could not bring myself to do the Apu voice. I’ve even lived in India.
Oh god! Yeah that’s fair.
I think I watched an episode of The Panic Table playing Mothership and their DM actually pulled off a very convincing and I think respectful sophisticated Indian accent for one of the doctors aboard the ship. Brave but I think they pulled it off.
May have been… Episode 2 of Unaccompanied Miners?
