> lack personal communication skills with wife
> casually post deeply personal and emotional stories on 4chan behind veils of text and anonymity
> oh shit am I neurodivergent and undiagnosed because I’ve never talked with a therapist
What a sad situation. I know a lot of people here think this is abuse and I can see their perspective, but I see this more as a relationship lacking communication. The wife didn’t feel assured that her husband loved her anymore and the divorce papers were a last ditch effort to see if he still does. Sure, just talking openly would be better, but goddamn is it hard to find people who can do that.
I think the fact that she broke down and tore up the papers immediately after is a sign that she really didn’t want to do it and was reacting to his genuine reply.
I think OOP needs couple’s therapy.
I like this empathetic take.
object original poster
Object oriented posting
original oriented poster.
orange otter pornography
Ornithological orangutan paraphernalia
Nah once you’re at the point where you need couple’s therapy the relationship is over
Not at all. Couple’s therapy is just a place for identifying and resolving the issues in a relationship and is useful for when a couple is struggling to do exactly that. Third party intervention can provide a different perspective for those stuck looking at an issue from a specific angle.
Y’all need to talk more
Completely broken relationship for sure
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I wouldn’t want to stay married to anyone who would play these kinds of mind games.
To be fair, it doesn’t have to be mind games, she could have been in a bad place and somehow figured out for herself that the best thing to do was to end the relationship, but realised that she was wrong. There are people who genuinely believe that they can make other peoples lives better by leaving them (a kind of “you would do better without me, I’m only pulling you down” mentality), that could do something like this not to manipulate the other person, but because they actually care about them, but are in a bad place themselves.
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Is the woman who “needed drama and new cocks as all do at 35” in the room with us now?
Ah, the incels made it here too.
You know nothing of women
What the fuck is making all these people talk like this now? I felt like we’ve gone through a phase where these people would be ashamed of posting instead of thinking they’re dropping some hard truths and now it looks like it’s back
it’s almost like all the chuds and bigots are emboldened right now, like they just won some kind of major victory. wonder what that could have been.
This has been building up for some time now, definitely long before the election. Do we not remember the man vs bear debates earlier this year? Incels? Andrew Tate? The world does not revolve around Trump, these people didn’t just pop into existence with renewed spirit on election day. They show up in every thread that they can find some grievance committed by a woman. Especially in greentext.
They were “right” about one thing so their objective truth about reality is that they must be right about everything.
Yeah it’s lame and pretty standard.
It doesn’t help that relationships have been commodified and there is general disdain for the concept of marrying for financial security to the point that tradwives were a public concept of how rich guys should treat their wives to keep them humble from the wealth.
It’s weird out here and it doesn’t even shock me anymore.
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Le
Maybe she just dumb as hell?
Emotional abuse detected.
I mentioned it in another comment, but I’ll repeat it here: This doesn’t necessarily have to be emotional abuse. It can well be a result of the wife being in a bad place, having little self-worth, and convincing herself that anon would be better off without her. Perhaps anon’s response caused her to re-think and reconsider, hence the subsequent breakdown.
This doesn’t necessarily have to be emotional abuse. It can well be a result of the wife being in a bad place, having little self-worth, and convincing herself that anon would be better off without her.
Abuse is behavior, not intention. The majority of abuse is not intended to be torture, but is still abuse.
I would leave Lemmy if it weren’t for sane, rational people like you who have empathy and don’t just jump to the most damning conclusions without any insight into the situation.
It is emotional abuse. Just like it’s still assault if a veteran with night terrors gets a adrenaline rush while waking up at night and beating the wife sleeping next to him in his confusion. It is not intended, but the damage is done. And it’s done by the veteran; or the wife in the OP.
The emotional abuse may be coming from a deep emotional wound, but it’s on her to fix it. She gets to keep her shards, or attempt to fix herself. By choosing to not work on herself she effectively chooses to burden the people around her. And they have no obligation to keep her around.
We all burden each other with stuff constantly. It’s on her to fix it but fixing yourself is impossible tlsince their is no template for what fixed looks like.
It’s also on the husband as much as it is the rest of us to see what level of burden we are willing to take on for those we care about. That’s humanity.
We all burden each other with stuff constantly.
You might want to think about how you view others. If everyone around you takes their relationship with you hostage, or worse their life, then the people around you are constantly taking advantage of you. On the other hand if you think of others as burdens constantly you need to change the people around you. Go to a different setting, a club or something were different people hang around.
It’s on her to fix it but fixing yourself is impossible tlsince their is no template for what fixed looks like.
Oh cool, I finally have the argument I can use when screaming at my wife.
Sorry for that, but your sentence is just nonsense. Worse even, it’s an excuse. I get the feeling behind it, but she is the one who needs to seek help. Nothing will stick if she doesn’t want it.It’s also on the husband as much as it is the rest of us to see what level of burden we are willing to take on for those we care about. That’s humanity.
No longer a husband. She filed for divorce, remember? Also: even if he still was, he cannot take responsibility for her mental health. He can help, but never do it himself. That’s 100% on her. She can accept help, but it’s a thing she has to do herself. Everything else would be manipulation on her.
Now you spin this as a failure to provide assistance, but that’s not what’s happening in the story. She doesn’t ask for help, she severes the bond.
No, I don’t think of it as a failure to provide assistance I think we choose the burdens we are ok with and you don’t have to aim to fix everything. We can’t fix dyslexia or genetic disorders, and we don’t just demand they figure it out to change nothing.
And it’s not so easy to just pick to be better and yes she has to do things herself. We all do. It it’s not over or even done when they decide to get better. And it is still on the rest of us to accept the burden of their issues to make life safe for them as well.
I point out that you give love first. You accept that people are broken and you love them anyways. I don’t want vapid relationships that only go surface level so that they can never burden me.
Oh cool, I finally have the argument I can use when screaming at my wife.
Ok wow. That’s a takeaway to being told that their is no such thing as perfect or fixed. That’s in you for wanting it as an excuse to be worse.
fixing yourself is impossible since their is no template for what fixed looks like.
This is nonsense. Self-improvement is possible based on your own or societal standards.
Society does not have the end-all of best of humanity in mind. Often it just means productive at work and cares little for your well being.
You can self improve but that’s not fixing anything. That’s just getting better at not being a burden to others. But the burden is the point. We are all in it together and are a burden on each other. But we do it anyways.
Don’t tell people that they can be “fixed” that is nonsense and just makes them feel more of a burden without the kindness.
The burden is not the point. You should be improving people’s lives, not making them worse. Unless by “burden” you mean like the mundane parts of dealing with living with other people, which is not what I’m talking about.
I do mean the little things. But it also is the big ones. A loved one can need you to help them do paperwork, or they could be dying of an incurable disease and raging against the end.
I’m saying expecting everyone to work to make your life easier to be around them ignores that everyone has their own issues to deal with and we are constantly impacting each other.
It’s good to work on yourself and we all should but expecting it as the only way to be around people is not reasonable for how humanity is. We are flawed emotional creatures.
We burden those we love in lots of ways waiting on them to be fixed to show love doesn’t make it seem like you loved them at all. You love people knowing they can change not waiting until they do.
I disagree, I don’t think these two are comparable.
Physical violence cannot be undone. Saying that you want to leave someone, and then breaking down upon noticing your mistake is something that can be talked through. If someone beats you, and says it was an accident, you’ll still be bruised and feel unsafe around them, even if you understand them and have empathy for them. On the other hand, if you understand and have empathy for a partner that said they would leave you because they honestly though you would be happier without them, you can help them get better and move on.
Physical violence cannot be undone.
Neither can emotional manipulation. You cannot see the scars, but they will bear a violent fruit.
Saying that you want to leave someone, and then breaking down upon noticing your mistake is something that can be talked through.
Don’t be a doormat for emotionally unstable people. There can be a conversation, a couple counseling or something, when people talk to each other. Putting signed divorce papers in the other persons hand is a gesture, not a conversation. There is nothing left to be said.
If someone beats you, and says it was an accident, you’ll still be bruised and feel unsafe around them, even if you understand them and have empathy for them.
Yes, trust can easily be broken by physical violence. It can also be broken by the spoken or written word.
On the other hand, if you understand and have empathy for a partner that said they would leave you because they honestly though you would be happier without them, you can help them get better and move on.
Oh, it sounded like the husband would be responsible for her mental health, but this is about helping? Then yes, you can help someone get better. If she works on herself to get better you can help her.
Just like you can help a veteran with PTSD. If they work on themselves so they can get better.
“The bond is broken, I said!” You can’t unspeak the words.
He should have declared it instead of just speaking.
So… if anon took those papers and just taped them back together, would they still be legally binding if submitted?
Would this depend on the jurisdiction/country? I’ve never thought seriously about whether tearing up signed legal documents constitutes a refutation after they’re signed. (a pile of torn-up papers doesn’t carry any proof of which, either or both, parties agreed to the tearing-up). And thankfully never been in a situation where this question would arise. Also assuming ‘tearing up’ wasn’t enough to prevent taping them back into a mostly-complete state.
A signature doesn’t offer much proof of which party signed a paper either.
The security mechanisms we use in this society are a joke.
I believe filling out the divorce paperwork doesn’t actually make it happen, it’s just an application for divorce.
It has to be filed with the court and a hearing held to make sure it’s all good and then the judge does the thing and you’re divorced.
Mostly this is a rubber-stamping type situation, and the judge mostly makes sure that asset division is done fairly and any children are cared for.
If no one has objections, the money is simple and everyone agrees, and there’s no children the whole thing is relatively simple.So filling out or destroying the paperwork doesn’t actually do anything.
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it’s always cuckoldry with you freaks
Such a weird obsession. Some people are shitty and infidelity can be terrible but to spend so much mental energy focusing on the humiliation and righteous anger part is bizarre. No one cares you were cucked. Women aren’t property and some of them suck. Everyone understands that some people suck. No one cares you were cucked.
No one cares you were cucked.
Sounds like I have much better friends than you.
This is dangerously close to a dr seuss poem…
Ned and Ted have a marriage bed
Monogamy is good for Ted
But many hungry holes has Ned
Ned shares the marriage bed
with other men not named Ted
Ted says Ned must quit their bed
Because of commitments that once were saidTed now sleeps alone it seems
For freedom Ned no longer dreams
The problem wasn’t that Ted was cucked
The problem is that Ned just suckedBravo
Christ you’re awful.
“I don’t understand women.”
Whenever someone has an issue with an SO, then extrapolates that to all women… that’s a red flag to me that this guy has a lot more misogynistic views just outside the frame of view.
It is unfortunately common. Pretty much all of the guys I know IRL complain about their SOs with “Pft. Women, right?” And I’m sitting here like… No? Maybe that’s just your SO? Or just your SO when they’re with you?
Not sure why you got downvoted because I had the same reaction when I read it. This is your spouse and treating her request for divorce and obvious associated emotional distress as something related to her gender rather than the specifics of your relationship seems incredibly dismissive and misogynistic.
Women aren’t even real, calm down.
How could I possibly calm down? Who am I married to then? Fuck!
(That was me joining the joke for anybody who might not get that otherwise.)
Accept it: You are gay now. Resistance is futile /s
What if they don’t understand all women? Why do you extrapolate your personal experience to all people… That’s a red flag to me.
This presupposes that men and women are fundamentally and irreconcilably different. I just don’t think that’s true, based on both my experiences and the psychological data I’ve reviewed throughout my life.
It is unfortunately common. Pretty much all of the guys I know IRL base their conclusions on experiences and the psychological data they’ve reviewed throughout their lives. And I’m sitting here like… No? Maybe that’s just your limited psychological data? Or just your subjective experiences?
I’m honestly not sure what point you’re trying to convey, but that’s alright.
But best of luck out there.
Women and men do have a different way of thinking the majority of the time. It’s about learning to cope with and deal with the other one’s feeling. If you want a woman, you have to be willing to deal with woman moments. If you want a man, you have to be willing to deal with man moments. Simple. Relationships cannot be perfect.
As an AMAB who is vaguely uncomfortable enough with the gender binary to use he/they pronouns but still presents masc in every context — I have met many people of all and no genders who think so completely differently to me it’d be better to use zodiac signs than gender markers to divide personalities (and no I don’t think astrology is real).
Men and women have tendencies and subculture, sure. But they’re not mutually unintelligible if you make even a little effort to try and understand the other side as fundamentally human people. For example, by listening to them and taking their positions seriously (even if the specific situation does not call for believing every factual claim).
I think we mostly agree here, just with slightly different framing.
Exactly, you cannot be a good spouse and not take your partner’s opinion seriously just because “pffft women/men”
The behavior of the wife in the OP would never be exhibited by a man, right? So calling it a “women” thing isn’t inaccurate.
Your reply extrapolates OP to mean all women. Which is exactly like when a woman makes a claim about men and men in the comments reply “not all men!” You’re doing that.
You don’t think a man has ever tried to use divorce as a threat to change his spouses behavior?
And this case like most relationship issues comes down to insecurities and bad/non-existent communication. To which, let’s face it, male socialization is a major contributor.
With stoicism and a fear of vulnerability, we’re far too often standing standing in our own way.
That is unfortunately the tendency for men, yeah.
☕ women
