Since I can remember. My two older brothers, primarily the oldest one, made sure that I knew I wasn’t as good as everyone else, as soon as I was able to talk… or at least it seems that way to me. He would mock or belittle any accomplishment I made, regularly take my things, batter me for any and every reason under the sun, as long as my parents didn’t see… The abuse continued pretty much right up until adolescence. My parents divorced and I went with my dad, he went with my mom (more or less). I was still a juvenile at the time and he was old enough to decide for himself.
To give examples, if I “bragged” about anything I had accomplished, he would shut me down about how he either already did it, or does it better than I can, which was true at the time, since he was 5 years older than me, so he had easily twice as long to do things. He would make a mockery of any achievement that he couldn’t say he had already done or done better. He would belittle everything I did and said, tease me to the point of blinding anger then beat me senseless exclaiming “he started it!”.
I was never as good as he was. I could never measure up. But bluntly, it’s hard to compare an 8 year old to a 13 year old.
I came to peace with all of this a long time ago, and I’ve come to realize that while many were bullied in their youth, and I was bullied too… I lived with my bully. I’ve “gotten over it” (so to speak) and moved on with my life. I’ve realized that, compared to many, I seem to be intellectually superior, getting concepts faster than others, picking up on things more easily. Learning better and retaining knowledge more effectively… Instead of lording that over anyone, like my oldest brother did to me, I instead try to enlighten anyone that’s willing to learn, encouraging them in their own journey of knowledge. Lifting them up.
I’m secure in my knowledge, my person, my station, my sexuality… Etc. I’m not threatened by someone smarter than I am, and I’m not in need of my ego being bolstered by putting others down.
I don’t consider my parents first child to be my brother. He gave that up when he relentlessly bullied me for nearly two decades. I owe him nothing, and I want nothing from him. I do not forgive, I am unable to forget.
Since I can remember. My two older brothers, primarily the oldest one, made sure that I knew I wasn’t as good as everyone else, as soon as I was able to talk… or at least it seems that way to me. He would mock or belittle any accomplishment I made, regularly take my things, batter me for any and every reason under the sun, as long as my parents didn’t see… The abuse continued pretty much right up until adolescence. My parents divorced and I went with my dad, he went with my mom (more or less). I was still a juvenile at the time and he was old enough to decide for himself.
To give examples, if I “bragged” about anything I had accomplished, he would shut me down about how he either already did it, or does it better than I can, which was true at the time, since he was 5 years older than me, so he had easily twice as long to do things. He would make a mockery of any achievement that he couldn’t say he had already done or done better. He would belittle everything I did and said, tease me to the point of blinding anger then beat me senseless exclaiming “he started it!”.
I was never as good as he was. I could never measure up. But bluntly, it’s hard to compare an 8 year old to a 13 year old.
I came to peace with all of this a long time ago, and I’ve come to realize that while many were bullied in their youth, and I was bullied too… I lived with my bully. I’ve “gotten over it” (so to speak) and moved on with my life. I’ve realized that, compared to many, I seem to be intellectually superior, getting concepts faster than others, picking up on things more easily. Learning better and retaining knowledge more effectively… Instead of lording that over anyone, like my oldest brother did to me, I instead try to enlighten anyone that’s willing to learn, encouraging them in their own journey of knowledge. Lifting them up.
I’m secure in my knowledge, my person, my station, my sexuality… Etc. I’m not threatened by someone smarter than I am, and I’m not in need of my ego being bolstered by putting others down.
I don’t consider my parents first child to be my brother. He gave that up when he relentlessly bullied me for nearly two decades. I owe him nothing, and I want nothing from him. I do not forgive, I am unable to forget.