oddly enough it was mostly the buddhist aspect and “the war against the ego/self” that caused it.
in going through the motions of the self or ego and the illusions thereof, or of your thoughts and ideas, you become very meta/self-aware and things that you enjoyed tend to take a back seat.
this is not because these things are bad, but because it felt like I had taken a “peak behind the curtain of the wizard of oz” and it made everything fall flat.
once I saw myself and reasons for what I did or didn’t do, it sucked the joy / purity / naivety of doing something for the sake of just enjoying it or for acceptance or being seen.
my wife oddly enough being so chilled (but concerned) allowed me to just follow it and play it through, as she probably hoped or expected it to naturally run to an end. which it did and I’ve had to let go of a lot of concepts and still have to unlearn things that damaged me emotionally (not pointing at buddhism, but I took things too far or serious perhaps).
if she wasn’t so calm and supportive and just let me go with it, I probably would have rebelled or turned it into this forbidden fruit.
so the more anyone had to go against me on it, I would just climb deeper into it. (same with other things) and when someone from the “outside” of buddhism said or criticised me, I would see it from a place of ego and I wouldn’t engage.
(PLEASE NOTE!!! this is just my personal experience and so I do not speak for anyone else on the matter of what and how they practice their beliefs lê lifestyles)
oddly enough it was mostly the buddhist aspect and “the war against the ego/self” that caused it.
in going through the motions of the self or ego and the illusions thereof, or of your thoughts and ideas, you become very meta/self-aware and things that you enjoyed tend to take a back seat.
this is not because these things are bad, but because it felt like I had taken a “peak behind the curtain of the wizard of oz” and it made everything fall flat.
once I saw myself and reasons for what I did or didn’t do, it sucked the joy / purity / naivety of doing something for the sake of just enjoying it or for acceptance or being seen.
my wife oddly enough being so chilled (but concerned) allowed me to just follow it and play it through, as she probably hoped or expected it to naturally run to an end. which it did and I’ve had to let go of a lot of concepts and still have to unlearn things that damaged me emotionally (not pointing at buddhism, but I took things too far or serious perhaps).
if she wasn’t so calm and supportive and just let me go with it, I probably would have rebelled or turned it into this forbidden fruit.
so the more anyone had to go against me on it, I would just climb deeper into it. (same with other things) and when someone from the “outside” of buddhism said or criticised me, I would see it from a place of ego and I wouldn’t engage.
(PLEASE NOTE!!! this is just my personal experience and so I do not speak for anyone else on the matter of what and how they practice their beliefs lê lifestyles)