I feel like I give help easily but I don’t feel ok asking. How do you become ok with asking for help? I have no idea what conversations that include this even sound like. In my mind I come across as begging and losing connection with the person or people I ask. How can I think about this differently?
Edit: a little more context, although this applies generally I think. I recently got surgery. I have enough help at home to get by, but it would be nice I suppose if a friend wanted to help out in some way too while I recover. I’m not exactly sure what kind of help that would entail, maybe cleaning or cooking or even just visiting. But I struggle with asking for help in even “normal” circumstances, like moving, or a major project, or even just emotional support.
There was a study a few years ago that found that asking someone for help actually strengthens your relationship and makes them like you more. IIRC it was on workplace interactions. The basic idea being that if you ask someone for help, it shows you have trust and confidence in them and they get to feel useful, which people generally enjoy.
Obviously that’s going to depend on the type of help. If I need help moving or with some mental issue, that’s going to be a more appreciated ask than if I ask for money. Not that asking for money is always a bad thing, so long as it’s a legitimate need and doesn’t become a habit I think most people would be happy to help out a friend low on cash. It’s better to get financial help from friends and family than from some predatory payday loan that is designed to keep you in debt for the rest of your life.
This isn’t the study I was referring to, but it’s more recent and came to the same conclusion: https://news.stanford.edu/2022/09/08/asking-help-hard-people-want-help-realize/
This is amazing, thank you! I particularly appreciated this quote:
people want to help, but they can’t help if they don’t know someone is suffering or struggling, or what the other person needs and how to help effectively, or whether it is their place to help – perhaps they want to respect others’ privacy or agency. A direct request can remove those uncertainties, such that asking for help enables kindness and unlocks opportunities for positive social connections. It can also create emotional closeness when you realize someone trusts you enough to share their vulnerabilities, and by working together toward a shared goal.
It’s hard to keep this in mind, I think. I think I face too much fear of rejection and that stops me from taking an action like this that could ultimately do the exact opposite. Fascinating!
Vulnerability is frightening and challenging, but it’s also a crucial part of human connection that can be very liberating. It can be really helpful to acknowledge the need to be vulnerable and to realize the hurdles to it and the benefits of it.
Here is a super popular Ted talk on vulnerability that just about everyone could benefit from watching: The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown
What a great video that was! I really enjoyed watching it, and I laughed and could totally relate to what she was saying. Thank you very much for sharing this!
Here is an alternative Piped link(s): https://piped.video/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I’m open-source, check me out at GitHub.
I’m finding out that I’m codependent. I avoided this term for a long time because of connotations I had of it with “co-addiction” but really, it is a situation like what you describe - I provide help all the time, and I never ask for or feel like I can accept it. I have so many instances in my past of help coming with strings, or being massively let down, or just being slammed with other people’s incompetence that it makes me physically uncomfortable. All of this stems from and reinforces the idea that I have to be responsible because everyone else around me is being messy and useless.
Long story short - ask for help anyway. Even when it feels like shit, you have to get used to it. Like others have said, be specific and direct, and accept the idea that they may say no, and it probably isn’t personal. “I need help with…” doesn’t work unless it includes, “Can you help me with this?”
I have so many instances in my past of help coming with strings, or being massively let down, or just being slammed with other people’s incompetence that it makes me physically uncomfortable. All of this stems from and reinforces the idea that I have to be responsible because everyone else around me is being messy and useless.
This puts into words how I’ve been feeling my whole life… this nagging feeling that I could never articulate. Thank you.
As a rule of thumb, I never ask for help if I consider I’d be annoyed if I were in the other person’s shoes. This means I tend to ask help more frequently for things that require explaining and understanding stuff, and will rarely ask for help with physical tasks if it’s safe for me to do those myself.
I have struggled my whole life to ask for help. I’ve always been afraid of inconveniencing the helper, or getting judged about why I don’t know how to do something. I have a fierce independent streak, and have trust issues… what if I ask and then it’s used against me later?
After I quit drinking, and went to AA, and got a sponsor… I’ve been gradually retraining my brain that it’s okay to reach out and not stay silently struggling (I am told it increases my risk of relapsing). I’ve also always helped when I can to anyone who has asked…
As other commentators have said, without the ask for help, I wouldn’t know it was needed… and wouldn’t want to assume anything…
I think including context about what kind of help would get you more specific. Financial help is different from mental support is different from help with moving things. Also, are you looking for professional help or just help from a friend?
Assuming you’re referring to asking for help from a friend, I recommend not thinking of it as “help”, which implies that you’re asking for a gift, but consider it a “favor”, which implies that you’re making a request with the understanding that you intend to return the favor if the opportunity arises.
I enjoy helping my friends, but I’ll also tend to weigh the situation and if it’s a big inconvenience to help (and if it’s not a desperate need), I’ve been known to decline or help in some other way. However, if a friend asks for a favor, I’m much more likely to say yes because I understand this person wants a sustained relationship with me and intends that we help each other in that relationship rather than having it be a 1-way street.
Folks generally don’t like being friends with people that only take and don’t give.
I am not a big fan of this transactional interpretation. When I am friends with someone, I will help them, if necessary and within my ability and I expect the same of them. How often this is then used, does not matter.
Thank you! This was helpful, and I added context to the post as well. This is indeed help from friends. I’ll have to try thinking of it as a favor and see what that does to how likely I am to ask!
Thanks for adding that extra context!
I definitely think the “hey, can I ask you for a favor because recovering from this surgery is driving me nuts…?” is the way to go.
Oftentimes people struggle to know how to help a friend when they’re in a vague kind of trouble like after a surgery.
For instance, I’m not sure how I would help one of my friends if they had a major surgery. Maybe I’d send them a door dash gift card?
Be specific about asking. If you don’t have a question mark somewhere in what you’re saying then you’re not asking a question. If you don’t have a question mark somewhere then there’s no expectation of a response. Does that make sense? ;)
Spend a moment thinking about what you actually want an answer to. Don’t waste people’s time with an “XY problem”.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XY_problem
Lastly, I keep in mind the idea of reversing the situation. How would I feel if someone were to come to me with this question? Would I feel bothered? Would I be annoyed? Most likely no, I LOVE helping with stuff, especially if it’s in a field of my interests. And if I’m being asked about it there’s a good chance it is. :D
Working in IT/development, this article encapsulates all my every day frustrations
Are you asking us for help about asking for help? Well done! And apparently even total strangers are willing to help you. ;-) But seriously: interesting question and already some interesting answers!
Do people lose their connection to you when they ask you for help?
Three ways:
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The softest is to ask someone else if they need help with anything and hope for a reciprocal ask.
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The main way is to complain about something to someone with the power to fix it.
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The third way, when I need help and it’s urgent: Ask soneone who can help if they have a minute, and if they say yes, tell them what I need. Outside of my professional environment, I really try to avoid putting myself in this situation.
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I have no problem asking for help. I say: hey, I need help or: hey, can I get some help?
I also like it when people ask me for help. So maybe that’s why I don’t have an issue with asking?
If it’s difficult, you can always a) minimise the stuff/amount you’re asking for (asking someone to visit isn’t even asking for help), b) come up with something to trade, i.e. what you can do for them in return or later.
Not saying it’s the best approach, but it’s a way to break through the hardest mental barrier.
