Around 1.5 weeks ago I had entrance exam for university. I used 1 month I had after school finished to spend more time to prepare for the exam. During that time I ignored my feelings regrding my gender identity which made me feel better at the time but things got worse after finishing exam. I’m desparate for HRT at the moment and I even considered DIY (I’d rather go to endocrinologist before HRT but DIY would allow me to start much sooner). At this point just the idea of living rest of my life as a man makes me feel dread. It’s not any better with clothes. I’ll probably order some feminine clothes, maybe even a wig, just to feel better about myself. Tomorrow I’ll have to wear shirt and pants, had to try them today and for the first time in my life I hated it (before it just made me feel uncomfortable). Time that I spent preparing for exam now feels wasted because I didn’t get any gender euphoria during that time. Even tho I did exam well at the end and I’ll go to university I wanted that didn’t make me feel happy at all because of dysphoria. Everyone else is more happy and excited than me about university. At least I have a session with my therapist soon to talk about all of this. I’ll also talk with my mom about this, didn’t do it yet because of some events that don’t have anything to do with my gender identity. I just hope that everything will go well until I start HRT.
If it helps, starting DIY is really fine. The endocrinologist really doesn’t do anything you can’t do yourself with a monthly injection and a bloodtest (and even that is mostly for your own peace of mind). There are benefits in being “in the system” of course, but a lot depends on which doctor you end up with and what they prescribe: In the best-case it won’t be worse than what you’d get DIY (medically speaking), so you still need to know a lot of things regardless of which route you take.
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