I did it. I came out to everyone that matters. No one has cut me off or thrown me out. The process took about 6 months longer than I thought it would, but we are here, on the other side of that long tunnel. But instead of flying out of the other side, speeding my way towards a full transition, I’m maybe two steps further transitioned than I was six months ago. No momentum.
And oh boy am I tired. Long talks with good friends, debating theology with my pastor, answering questions, calming fears, it’s a lot of social energy.
Can I just stop being trans for one bloody moment? I need a breather. But no, that’s not an option, the dysphoria is not abated. So onward I press, taking the hard path, the good path, the slow path. I can be a Christian and trans. I can keep my support network and transition. I don’t have to lose my wife and kids, we can make this work.
But
it’s
so
slow
.
I’ve been transitioning as slowly as possible for 30 years, but I’m ready to drop my masc and make a mad dash to the other side. I’m ready to throw out the guy clothes, take E, get an orchi, laser my face. I know different people experience womanhood differently, but I feel like I haven’t gotten to experience it all, despite leaning hard on that GNC wall for all my masc years. And so I don’t ask people to call me Amber, she/her, because I don’t feel like I deserve it. Once I’m over there, then I’ll ask. Once I malefail. But this mindset is holding me back. Insisting on maintaining all my relationships and support network is holding me back. My wife working her way through her own theology and gender issues is holding me back. And I can’t lose those, so I limp along, dragging the shattered remains of my masc alongside me.
I thought for sure that putting myself out there would free me to go be myself, that I would be zooming, but instead I’m still plodding along, just now with extra scrutiny.
Last night I dreamed I was a kid, and instead of hiding and building a masc, I was demanding to be myself. Little dream me was so sure of herself, so ready to fight everyone who would tell her she couldn’t be who she really was. I could use her energy right now, and her willingness to fight for herself.
Well done! It’s a scary and difficult position you are in, but you are handling it bravely and making what seems to me like huge sacrifices to accommodate the difficult feelings others are having. I can really relate to that.
I am so sorry your community and wife are not more supportive, no trans person should be forced to debate theology with their pastor or having long talks with friends calming fears about their transition.
I feel like you put words to some of my feelings - I also feel exhausted by being trans sometimes, and I wish I could “stop being trans” the same way you feel. Usually when that is going on, I try to pull back on some of the pressure I put on myself to try to pass or feminize. Avoiding mirrors, not shaving, not changing my voice, etc. It’s difficult because then the dysphoria is worse and I don’t necessarily feel better, but it can put off the obsessing perfectionism that I find so exhausting for when I am able to better handle it.
This feels like a major red flag to me. Do you have a trans-affirming therapist you could work with? Do you feel anyone else has to earn their right to their pronouns or name?
It strikes me that you are making false promises to everyone, that you can continue to be the man-shaped person they see but that you are not. I understand that feeling, I was desperate to stay in the closet rather than come out because I didn’t want to burden people, make people feel uncomfortable, etc. Asking any one to refer to me with a new name or pronouns was too much, I felt selfish and ashamed. But it’s not too much to ask someone to call you by your name or pronouns, and I don’t feel it is too much when other trans people ask me to do that for them. Nobody has to “earn” the right to have their name. And it was a mistake when I told some conservative Christian family members they didn’t have to update how they referred to me when I first came out, because they felt entitled to that and it was harder to set that boundary later when it became increasingly more painful and difficult to handle being referred to with my deadname and the wrong pronouns.
It strikes me you are putting the illegitimate feelings of others before your actual needs, which is not a compassionate or kind way to treat yourself. If you treated someone else that way, we would think you were acting monstrously, no?
Besides therapy for the gender dysphoria, have you considered finding a therapist that specializes in religious trauma? I think that would be appropriate at this point. You can be a Christian and be trans, of course, but not all Christians are trans-affirming and it sounds like that is something you are having to navigate right now (being in a community and family that is not trans-affirming for religious reasons). Having a therapist who knows how to help with religious trauma could be valuable, just a thought.
I second cowboycrustation’s suggestion that you consider finding a more accepting Christian community, even if it doesn’t have to replace your current community, you could find helpful resources there.
I wish you luck Amber - stay strong, you are deserving of love and like anyone else you deserve to be who you are. ❤️