read right as polite, because they get offended easily.
I’m a male nurse in a predominantly female unit.
How I see a job: I’m there to work and go home and don’t want to socialize. Each of my coworkers is welcomed to talk about work with me, but I don’t disclose my personal life, age or life goals with them. Work and let me work. If you need help, call me, we’ll work together.
How my unit works: there is a group that’s childish and gossipy, don’t know boundaries and act like a clique, but maybe 50% of the unit are people that work and let me work, help me and I help them (with the gossip clique this is not always the case).
I was sick for 4 weeks and I’ve decided this is a good opportunity to establish boundaries, something I’ve never done at my current unit. Why now? Being sick I had time to think what I don’t want in my life: faking interest in the sexual life or my coworkers, knowing who started dating who or what they think of Biden or the second amendment ain’t things I care about. I’ve had a coworker trying to find me a girlfriend a week after knowing me. No thanks.
I’m entertaining other job prospects and I still don’t know if I’m gonna jump ship, so for the time being, I’m here. Where I work I’m forced to eat with the rest of the team, including the gossips, so I’m trapped (because if I don’t eat with them they’ll start asking why I’m so unfriendly or if I’m angry at them and feel offended, they simply cannot understand that sometimes I want time to unwind without them).
What I think I could tell them, next time they start with their inquisitive questions:
‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’
‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’ < I find it ludicrous even having to explain this.
‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’
‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’
should they keep pestering:
‘all right, I need time to unwind, which means today I’ll spend my pause somewhere else.’ and proceed to eat alone somewhere else.
And if they pester yet again:
‘leave me alone’
if by this point some of them start giving me the evil eye and afterwards start ignoring me or treat me differently, time to accelerate my transfer to another unit.
If you like keeping boundaries with your coworkers, what do you tell them that works?
You said you were out sick for 4 weeks? Do they know why? Maybe you could spin that, say “sorry, I got some scarring in my throat and talking can make it worse, so I really need to only talk about work or I’ll be up all night in pain”. Or something like that.
Or you could try “sorry, I like working with you, and I know I’ve talked in the past, but I need to admit that I have Asperger’s/autism, and trying to make small talk is very stressful for me, so I hope you’re not offended but I feel like I’m going to burn out unless I make some changes like sticking to only work-oriented discussions from now on. Thank you for your understanding.”
Bonus points if you type that up and hand it to people, like you can’t even tell it to then directly.
I know both my answers are “lie in a way that makes you look abnormal” which you may feel like isn’t something you should have to do. Which is true. But you want to minimize them thinking you’re judging them, and they KNOW you are able to talk, so the best way I see is to make them think it’s a problem you have, not about them.
🤷♂️ Good luck!
if I go the autism route, ain’t there a chance HR will ask for proof?
I can’t image HR getting a complaint that you aren’t making small talk, and saying “That’s outrageous! We’ll demand his medical records right now!”
HR exists to keep the company from getting sued, and I think there’s a lot less risk for them to tell one employee “He doesn’t want to talk to you, deal with it.” vs demanding medical records for a non-work-role related issue.