So I’ve been struggling for months to find a name that clicks with me. I keep stumbling on names which feel like the one, then a few minutes to a few days later the name loses its sway on me. I feel like I just have to finally pick something so I can move on with my life, but I’m really not having much success. I keep telling myself that I can change it again later if I end up hating the one I pick, but it’s hard enough to get people to change how they address me once. It’s weird because I’m very infrequently this indecisive, but this choice has me really circling the drainpipe. Idk how to find one that speaks to me which I don’t feel like I’ll regret. I’m really feeling for my parents having to name me in the first place now—this shit hard lol
Did anyone else have this experience? How did your name come to you? Does anyone have any advice for me?
Your new name is Lyla, enjoy
I googled something along the lines of “top transfem names”, clicked on the first link I saw, and picked the first one I saw. Have this name for a few months now and I’ve been pretty happy with it. It’s not the perfect name for me, but it’s pretty close and I gave the search only like 5 minutes.
One thing I heard can work is just making one up. Throw together two or three syllables and see if you like it. If you like it, congratulations, you just found a name, if you don’t, try again.
Also don’t expect a lot of euphoria from just choosing your name. For me at least, being referred to by it was much more euphoric than choosing it.
I wonder why transfems are drawn to the letters W and Y in names
One thing that might help is when I was doubting the name I chose, I would say out loud, multiple times for a few days, “Hello, my name is ******.” Every name I’ve tried so far besides the one I chose has felt off doing that. I don’t know if it will help, but it did for me. Good luck!
Honestly it was never a magical moment for me, but my name is my name and it now fits me so well I wonder if having the name itself didn’t influence me in some way.
It just takes time and trying names out :) I tried a couple names initially, but none of them felt right. Inevitably after a few days I would see how it didn’t feel right to me and then go back to scouring baby name websites. Then one day I read it on a list of names and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how cool and unique and eye catching that name was to me. It made me think of all the things I wanted to be, the person I wanted others to see me as. Everyone in my life who I had been trying names out with immediately perked up when I told them about this new name I wanted to try. Its like intuitively they all knew this was the name, that that name was meant to be mine. At the time I wasn’t sure but it stuck very quickly and looking back on it years later I know for sure that I made the right choice. I never even decided firmly that that name would be my name, it just stuck and I never tried to change it again. Before long it was how I named myself in my thoughts even.
My best advice is honestly to keep trying. Tell your friends to use your new name with you, maybe even some online friends or like a discord server or something too. It’s a process of trial and error and I don’t know that there’s any specific method to it. Finding our names is kinda like finding our identities in the first place, it can be messy and confusing and it can take some time. Explore different names with people you trust and assess how you feel about the different names you try. I hope this was all able to help in some way :)
My best advice is to keep it simple and natural. Start using it online, you’ll get used to seeing it, and the rest will follow.
I started by reinstalling my OS to have my full chosen name as my user account, and taking a nice femme selfie. I own a domain and custom email, so I set one up for that name that will slowly gain more and more of my digital identity and accounts until the old email is basically just spam where I’ll probably just keep it as an archive in case I miss something in the migration and slowly let it fade into the background.
I don’t know how I will feel in the future, but as it is now, I expect being deadnamed will just be a part of the process, so I’m not too hung up on it.
I had a chosen name and a legal name prior, so it’s not an adjustment to have old friends and acquaintances not catch the memo, and anyone who is just being toxic about it can be eliminated very easily even if it’s family. Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve disowned each other.
Do you have any supportive friends (either ones you chat online with or know IRL)?
If so you could ask them to refer to you by that name, get a feel for how it suits you. There’s no need to commit to one name (except the beaurocracy of having it changed on documents) so take your time and experiment a little.
I like imagined a sort of version of me who had been born as a girl when I was still a massive egg and I named her after the colour of phone I had at the time (because being in a queerphobic family growing up getting rose gold things was one of the few forms of gender expression I had l) and then a few weeks of like imagining her I watched Dr Who and I like really identified with the character Rose Tyler and so I stuck with it.
Later I realised I was actually trans and so I actually called myself Rose, it took a bit for it to properly feel like my name but now it like feels like it’s very securely my name
I have zero relatability to this but naming things is often cited one of the hardest things to do in software engineering so don’t feel bad!
What about derivative of current name? I’d understand if that’s not what you’re looking for tho
I think I like the idea of a derivative of a current name, but an extended family member has that name and it feels like it would be super weird, so it’s difficult to think about it other than that.
Depending on the name on question there are likely other variations of you open yourself up to other languages. See Nicholas having: Miklós, Nicander, Nicanor, Niccolò, Nickolas, Nico, Nicol, Nicola, Nicolaas, Nicolae, Nicolao, Nicolas, Nicolau, Nicolay, Nicole, Nicolle, Nikita, Niklas, Nikola, Nikolai, Nikolaos, Nikolas, Nikolaus, Nikolla, Nikollë, Nikos
Oh, um, yes. I’ve had probably the most extreme version of that experience :D
I knew I wasn’t exactly cis when I was 14 or so (really don’t remember the exact moment lmao). I finally picked a name… soon after turning 26 (!) just before starting to be transfem IRL.
