Some background:
I am a 35 year old male with a 2 year old son. I was diagnosed this year after a lifetime of struggling and becoming a parent exacerbating my traits.
Today I had an appointment with my son’s speech therapist, because he’s still not talking more than a couple words. The appointment is unstructured play and interaction including mimicking him, waiting for his cues, etc. The problem is, I can’t pick up on communication cues or read what to do next. I can’t communicate with him like a normal parent and I feel like I’m holding him back.
The therapist had to guide me as much as she had to guide him. This was my first time meeting her, and it was all overwhelming and overstimulating. I was fighting back tears half the time and I couldn’t keep and make eye contact as well as my 2 year old. 😭
I feel like my kid is going to be stunted because of my issues. I’m newly divorced and I’m doing my best so my wife doesn’t take him from because “I care for him, but can’t care for him.”
I struggle without routines and children are chaos. I am excluded by other parents because I’m weird or different, and they keep their kids away from us when playing at the park. I want him to be able to socialize and have friends and his autistic monster father gets in the way.
Everything is always so overwhelming and I struggle to not have panic attacks. How am I supposed to help when he gets to school? I have trouble with numbers and can’t do math😭😭
I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do
Sometimes I think about the good and bad things about my early childhood, being one of three autistic siblings with an autistic mom, and as I’m getting older and starting to consider adopting, wondering what it was like for her. I’ve also been talking to friends about their neurodivergent parents. It seems like the most important thing is making an effort to be present in his life and emotionally support him - even if you’re not perfect, kids seem to be able to tell if you’re genuinely putting in the work or not. I know people with fairly unstable parents who still had a pretty good childhood and have good adult relationships with their parents because their parents were trying their best, and they could see it.
I think you sound really self-aware as well as considerate of his needs, and that’s a really good sign. If you don’t have a personal therapist, I would recommend finding one though. And both for your son and yourself, don’t be afraid to shop around for therapists that are the best match.