When I talk to myself, sometimes I call myself my dead name, or my gender I don’t associate myself with. I am self-aware enough to know I’ve associated myself as male and [name] for thirty-seven years, but it annoys me I haven’t made that connection in my brain somewhere that yes, I’m a girl, my name is Eshe. I feel it in my soul, so why is my brain being such an ass?
Because society has spent 37 years training you to doubt yourself and deny who you are, even to yourself. You don’t just wake up one day and have that go away. It’s an ongoing work to undo lifelong indoctrination. Give yourself permission to go easy on yourself whilst you do the work.
You will get there though :)