TW: suicide, transphobia
As the title says, my egg cracked a few days ago. It’s been a long time coming, after years of denial. It’s scary, but at the same time exhilarating.
I’m nervous about the eventual conversation with my parents, how everyone around me will react, and of course the challenges that will come along with this journey. But it’s gratifying knowing that I’ll get to feel like myself for the first time in a long time.
It’s crazy, really, how many epiphanies I’ve had about my life and myself ever since I decided to just be honest about who I am and what I want. Why I hated how I looked in photos, why I never liked the clothes I got as gifts, why my interests were never traditional, why I HATED puberty and the way I felt, why I was so miserable for years trying to lean toward conservatism and pleasing my family. I mean, I was a crossdresser in private, but trans? This isn’t a topic I would have dared discussing with them. Maybe it’s the mild autism, maybe it’s Maybelline.
I remember coming home from school at around age 15 or 16 with makeup on. I always had long hair out of preference, yet another part of myself about which I’ve had a realization, so I just covered my face with my hair. I almost made it to the bathroom until my mom spotted me. All she said was, “Do we need to talk about this?” That was when I made up my mind that the answer would be no. Oddly enough, my mom taught me to be a better woman than my dad taught me to be a man. I learned so many skills from her, and we have so much in common. I hope this doesn’t end with me severing my relationship with my family, because I really want to use this as an opportunity to grow closer to her as a woman.
I think, after that, they probably were suspicious. They certainly knew I was experimenting sexually. They searched my room and threw away my sex toys and weed pipes a few times. Given their fundamentalist views, and how they acted toward me, it kinda felt they thought I was some perverted drug addict.
They had, and I believe still have their assumptions about me. I really don’t know how they view me, and I don’t think they would be honest with me if I confronted them about it. I can only get what I read between the lines, and they like saying the quiet part quieter.
I still remember when my (police officer) dad told me that story. I don’t know the circumstances around him telling me the story, but his purpose was clear.
It was a dialogue, one he’d had with a (maybe not fictional) trans woman or crossdresser whom he had arrested for some type of hard drug posession. He asked her on the drive to jail how she (not the pronouns he used, by the way) had gotten to that point. He told me that she said she had just started doing the wrong stuff, and her life had gone downhill from there. The obvious, unstated point was don’t do drugs and crossdress or you’ll ruin your life, fucking ridiculous. But it did make it obvious to me that my dad thinks trans people are innately destroying ourselves.
Another time, he told me about a trans man who had committed suicide. Again, I really don’t remember why he brought this up in the first place. A lot of these memories feel like nonsequiters, where everything was normal before and after with a really weird part in the middle. I remember him telling me that the trans man’s mother had said that he “was never happy with himself,” again heavily implying that being trans in itself is the issue. So then the moral of this story was just, “don’t think about it lol.”
I didn’t intend to take that to heart, I thought what he was saying was ridiculous, sad, and narrow-minded. But I do think it disturbed me a bit, subconsciously. I began to internalize that a bit. I had a vivid nightmare where I had bottom surgery while conscious. I was grappling with dysphoria and the idea that dealing with it how I wanted to would ruin my life.
I remembered the dream again, a few months ago. Not the nightmare, that was just a nightmare. But the dream I had when I was young, younger than 7 I believe. I dreamed of a beautiful tall brunette woman in a gorgeous green dress in the middle of an ethereal field. I don’t know if that woman was me, but I did want to be her when I had that dream.
There’s so much more I’ve connected about myself in the last few days than that, but I think that already says more than enough. I fell off of keeping clean shaved, and so I shaved my body and went to the thrift store and bought some comfortable, feminine clothes. While I was there, I noticed they had a copy of the first Dork Diaries book, which I read in middle school (just for AR points ;) ), and I picked it up and started reading it in my new clothes that night! I hadn’t read in so long, but I really felt like I used to, a little too coincidentally before puberty really hit. I also noticed that I really only care about taking care of my body when I want to be feminine, lol.
My partner is supportive of me, and says she started seeing me as a girl a few days ago, which is so insanely sweet and supportive of her. It wasn’t until today when I looked in the mirror without makeup and still was able to see a beautiful girl.
I’m feeling really good about myself and comfortable in my own skin. I don’t know if I want to fully transition yet, I think I need to talk to a gender therapist (or two!) first. But I am finally ready to admit that I am not cis! I think I have a decent idea of my next steps, but I wanted to talk to a community of trans women.
What comes next? What are your stories about early transitioning? Are there any resources that I can access to gain information or make this easier to navigate? What can I generally expect from life, the world, the people around me? Are there any regrets you have? What do you love the most about yourself now? What keeps you going?
Much love to you all, from a nervous, excited, new girl.
Welcome to the party! You have a lot of choices ahead of you, and the best part is that you get to make them. I don’t know where you live, but if it’s a large, reasonably progressive city, there is a good chance there will be some kind of local transgender advocacy and education organisation. They’ll be able to provide support and recommend trans-positive therapists, doctors, etc in your local area, and you should absolutely talk to them. On the odd chance you live in Canberra, shoot me a DM and I can give you recommendations directly!
If you want to medically transition, you want to look into Spironolactone (which blocks testosterone) and Estradiol (girl juice). Medical transition is popular, and I personally love how it has changed my body, but it isn’t required. You aren’t more or less of a girl because of it. There are also options like Laser to remove unwanted body hair or, on the longer term, as well as various gender affirming surgeries. Socially, you don’t owe anyone a coming out. Do it on your own terms and at your own speed. Just be mindful that it can get pretty exhausting to live two lives.
Early in transition was pretty scary for me. I am not a very confident person, and transitioning requires bucket loads of it, even more so when you’re a new to the whole thing. It gets easier though, especially as you build up a community around yourself and your transition helps you feel more comfortable socially. Nowadays I’m happier than I have ever been! I went from a boy who had suffered from severe depression, anxiety, and social disconnection his whole life, to a woman who loves herself and looks forward to the future. That’s my favourite part of it to me. I have so much agency over my future, and I am happy in a way I never thought possible. And I have great tits!
Thank you for your supportive comment! Informative, and it made me laugh at the end :). I live in a small city in Alabama, USA. We’re definitely on the lighter end of possession of trans resources, and people around here can be pretty transphobic. However, it’s also a growing college town, and I have a friend from high school who I’m trying to reconnect with that transitioned here. So, the resources are definitely available, but they’re probably few in number.
I remember when I first came out to my mom she told me, I believe a fake story, about a trans woman who was ugly and forever alone, and she was of course insinuating that that would be me. However, she did eventually come around though. About 2 years after this she randomly told me that I was a pretty girl and I was like :O. However she was still opposed to me medically transitioning and it took her 2 more years to come around to that.
My only regret that I have is not being out to the world sooner. I wish I could have been a girl in highschool, but I didn’t have much support from my parents then and it was also covid so I had to be at home anyways.
It’s been about 6 months since I started hormones and came out to the world and I am so much happier. I had a lot of apathy towards life previously and I wasn’t living very healthily. Now that I’m on hormones I actually care about myself and I’ve been working out a bunch trying to get myself back into shape. I live in a blue state and overall people have been nice to me, although I do try to avoid people that I think will give me trouble.
For me my most used resource that helped me figure things out were communities like this one. They helped me feel like I was not alone and provided me with a lot of useful information.
I’m so happy for you! If my mom ever told me I was a pretty girl, I’d cry. And also same… I kinda wish I didn’t spend my high school years internalizing homophobia and transphobia. I legitimately used to think that apathy was the key to getting through life… lol. Beginning this next step of my life has really made me realize how much I care about everything when I’m trying to be a girl. I can’t bring myself off the couch normally, but as I’ve started to view myself as a girl, my mind has been racing with diets and workout routines I can start, clothes I want to buy for myself, decorations for my space, and different looks I can try with makeup. How are the hormones going? Sending much love your way.
EDIT: typo
Yeah it’s crazy how much your perspective on life and stuff changes for the better after you make the realization. Hormones are going great. It’s really exciting to finally be experiencing it for myself. I did have some mood issues at first but I think they finally stabilized now. Wishing you the best in your transition, there’s a lot of exciting things out there to experience!
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Lol, I’m not sure a goth phase is in my future, unless girl puberty just sucks. Not that goth isn’t beautiful, I just spent so long living in a pit that I’m overflowing with joy and gratitude and love and I want my fashion to reflect that! My fiancee is being very supportive of me. Tonight was the first night that she used she/her pronouns offhandedly to refer to me. She started seeing me as a girl when I came out, it’s just the first time she’s had the chance to use my pronouns as you don’t generally refer to someone like that to them directly. Anyway, it was just the most gratifying moment ever.
I love your name by the way, as soon as I came out, I had Christine and Kristen bouncing around my head (No, my deadname is not Chris).
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I wish you the very best, internet stranger. Be yourself.
Thank you! That was a lesson I had to learn the hard way, but I think I’m finally there.
What happens next? The rest of your life. Seriously though I’m happy for you for seemingly dealing with it in a very quick and healthy way.
What are your stories about early transitioning? Are there any resources that I can access to gain information or make this easier to navigate? What can I generally expect from life, the world, the people around me? Are there any regrets you have? What do you love the most about yourself now? What keeps you going?
I can’t give my own answers for all of these but I can give a bit of input for a few of them.
Are there any resources that I can access to gain information or make this easier to navigate?
- https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en <- This is a really nice resource that’ll help answer general questions about transness and transitioning.
There’s quite a bit of trans literature that kinda helps with understanding other Trans women’s experience in the world which partially answers your next question:
What can I generally expect from life, the world, the people around me?
I’m only gonna recommend two here, but there’s vastly more available. Note that these aren’t necessary to read by any means but they’re very good books.
- My personal favorite is Nevada by Imogen Binnie. You can very easily find a free PDF around the internet with a quick google. It’s a two part story focusing on a trans girl living in new york and navigating the complications of being trans and the implications of it on relationships around you and with yourself. I’ve personally read this over again at least four times now.
- I also recommend Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. This one is more of a social analysis focusing on topics like transmisogyny, medical gatekeeping, navigation of social situations, and other trans specific issues like the myth of AGP and HSTS. Note that this book is from 2007 and feels a bit dated by today’s standards (it features language that has fallen out of favor and may be seen as slurs in today’s social environment).
My personal input:
It very much varies. Something you’ll notice (that is echoed in both books I recommended above), is that you never really stop “coming out” to people. Unfortunately there’s no single moment like in the movies, you will have to keep on doing it.
If you’re lucky you’ll surround yourself with people that accept you unconditionally. There might be people like your parents where the relationship can look rocky at a glance, but you never know how the conversation will go until you “cross that bridge” so to speak.
People in public may be rude or may ignore you, it’s a mixed bag, but take care of yourself (take this however you want to: stay protected) and stay safe.
Are there any regrets you have?
Personally I regret not starting my transition until 4 years after i had accepted internally that I was trans. I had reasons for holding off, but in hindsight, a few were silly reasons and a few were defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms. HOWEVER I will say that there’s no WRONG time to transition, it all depends on when you feel safe and comfortable.
What keeps you going?
Community, knowing that I’m not alone in this journey and experience. Knowing that there’s actually a light at the end of the dark tunnel that has been my life up to this point. Knowing that my mere existence is enough to drive bigots to madness. And the biggest for me personally: feeling for once in my life that I have a future.
Find community and build up a good support system for yourself amongst your friends and people you can trust and who love you for who you are.
Ooo I second the Nevada recommendation, and also recommend Small Beauty by Jiaqing Wilson-Yang
Thank you for sharing resources! It’s really gratifying to have such support! Do you know of any gender therapists I can reach out to online, by chance?
No problem!
Do you know of any gender therapists I can reach out to online, by chance?
Unfortunately no, I don’t have much experience with online therapists, however I’d start Here. (I saw above you said you’re in AL so I went ahead and filtered the results a bit.)
If cost is a concern for you, some therapists offer a sliding scale for their pricing.
I’m not entirely read up on the planned parenthood situation in 'bama but I’m assuming it’s not great, however if by luck there’s one near you, they might* offer informed consent for HRT if that’s a path that you may be interested in.
*(Again i’m not read up on the situation in AL so don’t take my word for this)
Oh wow! Thank you so much! Looks like one of those therapists is only an hour away from me, so I could potentially even see her in person!
That’s awesome! Best of luck!
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Thank you for giving such a throrough response, there’s a lot for me to respond to here!
I don’t think my name is very me, so I’m probably going to change it. I used to go by Citra but that was more of an alter-ego, a less “normal” name, rooted in self-denial, that I used while crossdressing in college. I don’t think I care about getting gendered or named correctly. It’s extremely gratifying, yes, but I don’t think being deadnamed or using the wrong pronouns will bother me, which I honestly think is a healthy, even necessary, view to have as a trans woman because it’s gonna happen.
I love hearing your positive stories about those early transition growing pains, I’m so grateful to have such a human take on transitioning right now. I already have moments like that, and I really think that the awkwardness of not knowing exactly how it’s done at first is an endearing aspect of not just transitioning, but being human as well.
I’m equally excited and scared to start living as a woman. I know women (not to mention those of the trans persuasion) have so many problems that I not only don’t experience firsthand as man, but are also often concealed from my gaze entirely. But I’m so ready for that. Challenges are challenges, and people are sexist and transphobic, but I hope it will be more fulfilling to actually be going through a woman’s struggle than it will be difficult.
Personally, I don’t think bottom surgery is something I’m interested in or need to feel like a woman. It scares me a tad bit, and I’m not sure the procedure itself has advanced enough to the point where I’d be comfortable with it even if it was something that I felt I needed. Losing sexual pleasure is really something to which I’m averse. Not that I would ever try to tell someone else that it’s wrong for them or wrong in general, those are just my feeling on the matter. I don’t want to force you to wallow in your what ifs and regrets, but I was wondering if you had any other things you wished you had done differently so that I might be able to apply your advice to my own journey?
Obviously the physical stuff like softer hair and skin wasn’t completely there pre-transition; but, on the topic of the parts of your personality that you said you now love, do you think those aspects were always part of you or driven by your journey into womanhood? If they were always part of you, were they something that you viewed negatively while living as a man?
Thank you so much again for your thoughtful response. I already feel immediately included by this community, and it’s heartwarming.
