How do you deal with a close friend circle becoming toxic ? - eviltoast

I apologize in advance if posts like this are not welcome here.

I have a friend circle of 6 guys including me. Before some of us got jobs, we used to play games everyday, hang out together if we are in town. Everyone was chill, enjoyed games more and mostly respected each other to some degree.

After getting jobs we still made time to play and hang out, but not as frequently. I only get time to play games with them on the weekends as my job is in a different time zone. But I still call or text them nearly everyday. Some of them play every single day (kind of addicted to GTA online and valorant for some reason).

But in the last couple of months I have noticed a shift in their behavior. Talking behind each others backs and always getting offended for the silliest of things. This is especially true for those who continued to mindlessly play every single day (they work on the same startup company as well).

I always knew that there was one guy among us who would unnecessarily run his mouth. But I always thought of it as his way of having fun. Mybe it was his way of feeling included. Idk. So I never took any of his ramblings to heart. But everything hits differently now, in a bad way. Every conversation feels like I’m walking on eggshells. Now the others are also starting to become like him.

It’s not just me who thought this way. Another guy who have been besties for a long time with the blabbermouth guy personally called me and told that the whole group feels like it’s infected by something and shared thoughts similar to mine.

I want to call it out, but i’m not sure how to do that in a thoughtful way. I just want them to reflect on themselves, not that I have any right to say that. I’m not afraid of offending them as it’s almost impossible to say anything meaningful without doing so.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful day.

  • protist@mander.xyzEnglish
    202·
    11 months ago

    Next time you’re all together, and every time that guy says something off putting, you should say something in response in front of the whole group. It doesn’t need to be mean, or condescending, or even conflictual. You can make it a question (always open ended!), something along the lines of, “How does talking shit about people serve you?,” “It’s pretty weak to talk shit about someone behind their back. What are you afraid of that you won’t say it to them directly?,” or deflect with humor, “This was maybe funny the first 5 times you said it.” If one of the other guys says something, you could say, “Did Johnny tell you to say that?”, or “Did you learn to talk like that from Johnny?”

    You should absolutely make it implied through persistent comments like this that you are observing a problem with how they act. It sounds like the other guys are following the leader, so try becoming the leader and model the behaviors you value.

    Also though, you live in a different time zone now, and people change over time. It might also just be time to put more distance between yourself and those guys and find some new friends.