How do you deal with a close friend circle becoming toxic ? - eviltoast

I apologize in advance if posts like this are not welcome here.

I have a friend circle of 6 guys including me. Before some of us got jobs, we used to play games everyday, hang out together if we are in town. Everyone was chill, enjoyed games more and mostly respected each other to some degree.

After getting jobs we still made time to play and hang out, but not as frequently. I only get time to play games with them on the weekends as my job is in a different time zone. But I still call or text them nearly everyday. Some of them play every single day (kind of addicted to GTA online and valorant for some reason).

But in the last couple of months I have noticed a shift in their behavior. Talking behind each others backs and always getting offended for the silliest of things. This is especially true for those who continued to mindlessly play every single day (they work on the same startup company as well).

I always knew that there was one guy among us who would unnecessarily run his mouth. But I always thought of it as his way of having fun. Mybe it was his way of feeling included. Idk. So I never took any of his ramblings to heart. But everything hits differently now, in a bad way. Every conversation feels like I’m walking on eggshells. Now the others are also starting to become like him.

It’s not just me who thought this way. Another guy who have been besties for a long time with the blabbermouth guy personally called me and told that the whole group feels like it’s infected by something and shared thoughts similar to mine.

I want to call it out, but i’m not sure how to do that in a thoughtful way. I just want them to reflect on themselves, not that I have any right to say that. I’m not afraid of offending them as it’s almost impossible to say anything meaningful without doing so.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful day.

  • cheese_greater@lemmy.world
    12·
    11 months ago

    Imma give you a simple guideline that will serve you well all your life:

    don’t focus on what people say, focus on how you feel after parting

    If someone makes you feel worse off than before and on a repeat basis, start to backoff and if they make you feel terrible, fucking run!

    This rule will save you much heartbreak, pain, and misery.

    Edit: there must be room for grace cuz we all fuck up or say fucked uo shit sometimes so def pay it forward but grace should necesarily be limited and on a schedule for the most part

    Edit: also be careful, if you’re the shitty/toxic person, you’re gonna feel shitty cuz someone sees thru your bullshit and are healthily resisting that. I can’t help there so the mileage may vary but a little self-awareness + time with a good healthy friend + the occadional AITA with a burner account goes a long way.

    • Gunpachi@lemmings.worldOP
      2·
      11 months ago

      For the longest time, I thought it was me who was causing the problems. I started becoming careful about what I say. And as an unintentional result I became aware of what, why and how they speak.

      I still consider some situations from an AITA perspective. But I may be biased towards myself. I will take your advice on posting in an AITA community and get some different perspectives.

      Thanks for commenting !

      • cheese_greater@lemmy.world
        3·
        11 months ago

        Ya, AITA is actually a super useful heuristic for one to try.

        1. read the OP’s case
        2. Try to answer their questions in your head as you go along
        3. Be careful! Its a cointoss as to whether they are massaging the situation and trying to manipulate you into validating them (even the morally superior person may slightly misrepresent to make the narrative more consitent regardless of their meritorious superiority)
        4. Reply! Like literally post it and see if your interpretation resonates. Be prepared emotionally for some devastating corrections and downvotes. 5.respond to some of the replies you want to engage with or discourse witb regardless of how “nice” it is as opposed to provoking an insight in you ;)

        The funniest part of AITA is over time, and not necessarily a long time, you will learn reflexively how everyone’s gonna respond on all sides of the issue like in literary criticism.

        • women will think this
        • men will think this
        • this religion says this
        • the upper class might think this
        • my PTA group would think this