Hey, am I a toxic person? I have meltdowns very easily when things are unexpected or stressful. This is obviously bad but I don’t know if it’s “toxic” bad, “abusive” bad, or “irredeemable POS” level bad.

1. I often have meltdowns over really tiny things, like something not going a way I expect. Stuff like this makes me think it’s closer to a temper tantrum than a meltdown, but when people have temper tantrums they seem to be lucid and able to understand what they’re doing, while I kind of just blank out mentally and start doing insane shit.
2. My meltdowns/temper tantrums are often violent to myself and others. I have repeatedly hurt my parents in the past by hitting them. This makes me think my behavior is abusive.
3. Because of this, they understandably feel the need to constantly police their behavior so I don’t freak out. Example of similar behavior by redditor which Reddit seems to think is toxic
4. I freaked out today because I was trying to explain that a 30 minute conversation where I’m expected to perform being really happy the entire time (it was because someone was getting something for me which I was genuinely excited about, but I couldn’t mimic the correct verbal and physical reactions forever) is super exhausting. They kept repeatedly telling me I should do it anyways and I was trying to explain that that would end badly but the frustration I was starting to feel was making it hard to communicate, and I ended up freaking out and literally attacking my parent.

I really should do therapy or something to get this fixed, but it’s not something I have any idea how to even begin to tackle. When things get bad enough over and over again I just come out with complete and utter violence and frustration and hurt people I care about and do things I wish I would never do. I think I’m abusive and I’ve often thought about not living with the rest of my family but I don’t know if I can economically afford that.

I’ve tried asking for accommodations that make it less likely for me to melt down, but I think my parents view it as just another thing they have to work around to stop me from hurting them. “Always walking on eggshells” and I hate doing that to people.

Can anyone help? I don’t know what to do and I hate myself right now.