I’m looking for feedback on my original screenplay. It is a sixty-second-ish long trailer for a Christmas-themed horror movie. This is an update on my screenplay idea I posted on lemmy a couple years back. (lemmy.ml link because I still haven’t learned how to link to posts cross-instance, doesn’t seem to be in the docs.)

Open with a scene of a man alone chopping wood on a snowy day. He is large-bodied and looks visually menacing, it should be clear that he is the villian. He sings an eerie and discomforting tune: “Da Da Da Da Da Da Da”

The next thirty or whatever seconds build up a horror movie featuring the aforementioned villain and a hero named John, a boy around 17 years old, as well as a couple friends around the same age who support him. A couple times cut back to the opening woodchopping “Da Da Da Da Da Da Da” scene.

Nearing the end of the trailer, scene with John and his couple friends walking through the city on a snowy day. The townsfolk jeer and yell obscenities at them. John narrates: “Before the incident, we were treated just like anyone else. But now, whenever we go out, the people always shout.”

(words flash on the screen, large font)

JOHN

Very brief scene of a terrified scream

JACOB

chop “Da Da Da Da Da Da Da”

JINGLEHEIMER

Frantic sprinting through a snow-covered forest

SCHMIDT

Scene of John in an attic, which is illuminated only by the candle he holds in one hand. With the other hand, John lifts up and examines a dusty old photo of the villain. “Oh my God. His name is my name too.” Candle blows out.

(smaller font)

PREMIERES CHRISTMAS EVE