I’ve been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don’t move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I’ve taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don’t get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven’t read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I’m able to keep alive at all is because I haven’t moved out of my parents’ house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn’t a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can’t blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
Executive disfunction is a nightmare, what you are saying here almost describes me to a tee too.
I’m not gonna say you have X or Y, but you definitely need to seek mental health evaluation. I know it is probably tough even thinking of doing that, I only managed to after years of being afraid of doing it.
And please don’t be so though on yourself, it’s easy to take blame for everything, if you really were a coward you wouldn’t make this post. You clearly care about this and want to change, and that shows strength and a will to turn your life around.
I don’t think forcing yourself to change is gonna do you good, instead take it slow.
Something that is really helping me over the years is realizing that much of the reason I have these issues is because of something outside of my control, even when something doesn’t look like it is that. Also being kinder to myself, instead of thinking I’m dumb or a idiot for doing or not doing something and beating myself over it, I try to accept it and realize this stuff happens, telling myself it’s gonna be ok and I try to take it easy. It is really slowly changing my self image, but it is a change nonetheless.
It’s not a linear progression tho and there are gonna be times when it gets tough, but it is possible to get better, I believe in you, comrade.
i’m on the other end of this and the attempts to get treatment made my life substantially worse 🙃
i’m not afraid of it, but i find the intake process to be a form of self-harm and there’s no alternative offered by current medical practices besides subjecting myself to that over and over.
That sucks. I hope for the best for you!
I know there are a lot of different types of terapy and professionals out there, is there nothing else you can try?
Finding a good professional is tiring honestly. Finding a psychology for terapy has been easy for me so far, but a psychiatrist that actually listens for more than 20 minutes have been hard.
i dunno, i’d need to see an intake process that’s not actively detrimental to my wellbeing and even if that existed or is reformed in time for me, it’s still roulette.
Even if all the me-problems were somehow fixed i’d still be up against a disgusting society trying to grind me to dust so some prick can buy another ivory back-scratcher. so much of the problem is alienation and material conditions and there’s no such thing as prescription friends or living conditions.
Years of therapy have helped me a lot. I’ve turned any meds recommended by choice but the unraveling process has helped a lot.