This is not a pity party kind of post. I’m trying to be as pragmatic as possible. I don’t think that anyone owes me anything.
I’m working on getting over my unrequited love for my best friend. We talked about it, she said she sees me as a younger sister, and that is more than enough for me. If anything, we are closer now that the truth is out there in the open. We, or at least I, try not to keep secrets from each other.
She left her husband today, and I am proud of her for doing so. This is a first step forward for her to find happiness. She’s recently started talking to this guy, in more than a friendly way, who approached her. She has to reject people somewhat often, as she is such an attractive person with a great personality. In short, she has a lot to offer and I am happy for her for that. I’m starting to resent that.
In contrast, I haven’t been approached by anyone in more than a decade. I knew that when I decided to come out and live my life as I truly am, that my dating pool would shrink considerably, smaller than it already seemed. I’ve shown interest in multiple men, but nothing ever came of it other than a few text messages, or nothing at all. I’m told that I’m so nice, so caring, etc, and that I’ll meet someone, someday. I don’t see it. Perhaps I come across as desperate? I suppose I am.
I do my best to care for myself, but do struggle with Bipolar 2 disorder at times. This is something I am actively working on, and hope to overcome or at least get to a manageable level with support and medicine. Due to humiliations suffered from a group of people whom I thought were friends, there are things I don’t wear/do anymore. It is what it is, I’ve gotten over it, but the damage was done.
I don’t show it, but I crave intimacy. The last time I was intimate with someone, in an emotional, non-sexual way was with my ex-wife, some 15 years ago. I just want someone to come home to. Someone that wants to know me, about my day, my hopes and dreams. That is my dream, which is really more of a nightmare anymore.
I used to beat myself up about this stuff, cry myself to sleep and at my worst, feel suicidal over it. That was years ago. I’ve since then tried to look at things logically. What I see with my eyes is that no one gives me the time of day. I’m never more than the gay/trans friend. No flirty comments, no glances, nothing more than what feels like the pity of friends. There’s someone out there for anyone. I press X to doubt.
My bestie tries to encourage me. She tells me that I will find someone, and that I need to be patient. That 37 is too young to give up on the dating world. The only attention I receive is from horny men who want to fuck me, then move on. I debase myself, on Grindr, in hopes that even just one of them wants to meet up more than once. They ghost me as soon as they get what want; that I’ve fulfilled their fetish fantasy and that is my worth. I truly see my worth now to be a disposable object of desire. I’m sure that I am not the only one. She hates to see me do this to myself, but it is the only way I know how to fulfill my sexual needs. I’m still human after all, I have urges and desires.
I stay home with my 17 year old all the time. He is everything to me, and I just want to be the best parent to him that I can be. I put my needs aside, for the most part, to be sure that he is loved and cared for. His mom has a new boyfriend/husband (I have no idea, I just know that they are together) and they have a 2 year old (Could be older or younger, again I have no idea). She has somewhat moved on with her new family, so I consider myself a single parent now. He sees her every other weekend, if that. He doesn’t have friends that he goes out with, so in a way we are all each other has got. He’ll blossom when he is ready, I know it will happen. The only time I’m not with his is every other weekend when I hangout with my best friend. She is the only person in my life that wants to hang out with me.
This is all to say that I don’t go out really. I don’t have the opportunity to meet very many new people outside of work, where there are several hundred people, and the random person my bestie and I come across. I know this limits my chances of meeting someone, but it is my life. I’d feel guilty leaving my son at home while I went out.
I don’t believe that I am attractive, at all. I pass somewhat, but have given up trying to doll myself up in hopes of receiving attention from someone, anyone. I’m a bit tomboyish, which probably contributes to my unattractiveness.
Over the years, I’ve tried to accept that I will never feel the love of a nice man. I’m not choosy, nor picky, and am willing to give anyone who gives me the time of day a chance. I have a type, but consider that more of a preference rather than a strict archetype of who I want. I’m willing to overlook just about anything, so long as the person cares or otherwise shows interest in me.
I don’t go to the bars, nor use dating apps, for fear of rejection or ridicule. I know I am limiting myself considerably, and am trying to overcome this.
This is quite long winded, I know. I don’t expect anyone to reply, let alone read this. I just want to post this in a place where others also talk to the void. If you did read all of this, thank you.
I’m trying to accept the reality that I will likely never find love. It’s really, really, hard. I’m so fucking lonely.
I’m going to mention this because noone else has so far, but you may have already considered this.
Have you tried to go to any local LGBTQ events? Not sure if you live in a very remote location or not but where I’m from every medium-size city or above will have regular meetups to socialise or meet new people. Sometimes there are concerts and cabaret.
I’m a boring cis straight person, so I don’t really take part in these communities directly, but I have friends and family that do.
I expect you’ll find other people in these groups are far more likely to welcome you for who you are than the wider, heteronormative community.
I know some trans people who have managed to find partners there too.
Another place to find like-minded people is at protests and rallies, though depending on the state you live in I wouldn’t blame you for feeling unsafe going to one. I’ve started going to some of them myself in the UK recently to show my support, as they tend to welcome allies i.e. people who aren’t necessarily LGBTQ themselves but support their rights.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment! 🙂 I’m not sure why I am so reluctant to join LGBTQ+ spaces in real life… Perhaps I’m terminally online, and find comfort in both the community, especially on Lemmy, and the ability to enjoy such things in relative solitude. I also try to spend as much time with my son as possible, so doing something for me feels selfish, as if I am leaving him alone by himself to take part in some activity, whether it be meeting up with a hookup or attending a function/meetup with my local community. He’s 17, so he doesn’t always need me there with him, but I can’t seem to get over the feeling. 🤷🏻♀️
Also, it might be worth asking other trans women about their advice in dating, either on Lemmy or otherwise.
I said all of this but I’ve not lived your experiences. Best to ask other people with similar circumstances.
I appreciate your take on things! We come from different walks of life, but your advice has been pretty spot on. I def should reach out to my one trans friend from work and see how she handles things. The major difference between us is that she does not have children. For her it is easier to put herself out there and make efforts to meet new people due to not having that sort of responsibility at home. But still, her perspective and lived experiences are as close as I will find to someone who understands.
I’d give it a go, if I were you. Maybe keep tabs on what they’re up to and if your son is visiting friends, for example, and it aligns with one of those events you can go while he’s out.
You know best about your son and what support he does or doesn’t need. But the 17 year olds I know would probably not notice if their parents went out, and if he needs you for things like cooking, might be worth you teaching him how to do it, given he may be leaving the nest soon!
Give it a thought and see how you get on. 🙂
Don’t remind me! 😭
He is def capable of taking care of himself fully while I’m not home. This stems from me working 3rd shift, and him having to take care of himself while I sleep.
He doesn’t hangout with friends outside of school. I think he’s just a late bloomer. It worries me that he always stays home. I just hate the thought of him feeling left behind, like his mom has sort of done to him. She had a baby a year or two ago, and has really leaned into her new family with her bf and their child. Seriously, who buys a house an hour and an half away from where their kid lives? I’m sure she would say otherwise, but optics are important, especially to a teenager.
Still, I know I need to do things for myself. I’m pouring all of my time and energy to making sure that he doesn’t feel like he is left alone while I enjoy time away from him, at the expense of myself. I love him more than anything in the world, so it is a sacrifice that I am willing to make. I tell myself that our time together like this is limited, and I should make every effort to make every moment count.
Sorry for the tangent! 😅